Make it stop - Minsung

Chapter 14

Minho woke up his a throbbing head, and the first thing he thought was withdrawal.

He tried to distract himself on his phone, but the only thing that came to his mind was the stupid substance. He wanted it, needed it, it completely obsessed him.

He went to his trousers laying on the ground, only to take the small bag into his hands and look at the substance.

Chan had asked about it. He asked where did he get it and how he got it so fast since Jisung threw his last bag into the toilets.

Minho never answered, and he knew he would have to eventually. He wouldn't be brave enough to delete his dealer's phone number by himself. He needed someone to do it for him.

With a shaky hand, he opened the bag, approaching his desk.

He shook the bag a little to let a small amount on his table, then took a pen that was laying there to shift the substance into a line.

As his head slowly lowered to the table, thousands of words consumed his mind.

Take it. You want it.

Don't.

Don't disappoint Chan. Don't disappoint more Jisung.

Do it. They don't care.

They do.

It's okay to relapse when you didn't start abstinence. You'll start tomorrow.

Tomorrow you'll say the same thing. Don't.

He banged his punch on the table, before lowering to the ground, crouching and holding his head tightly into his hands.

"Fuck" He muttered weakly.

He stood up abruptly, swiping his hand on the table to push the line on his table back on the little bag, before burying the bag in his pocket.

He knew he would take it sometime in the day, but he at least wanted to try a little bit.

Today's practice was hectic.

It wasn't anything too bad, but Minho felt it like his entire being was being crushed under heavy weight.

His perfectionnist self didn't dare to go slowly for today, but maybe he should have.

He felt exhausted a he fell on the ground, his entire body itchy and craving.

After a long moment of complete unresponsive state, he realized how he was.

Everyone was looking at him, bewildered, as hit had been 20 minutes since he stared into nothingness.

It's always the same thing anyway. Try as much as you want, you'll do it anyway.

He held his cries to leave his mouth as he stood up in hurry, running away to the bathroom of the building.

Arriving there, he closed himself in the first toilets his saw. A hand joined his mouth as a way to stop himself from vomitting here and there, as the other one was brought to his chest, feeling his heart beating loudly, enough to make his whole torracic cage vibrate. 

That scared him to the core. 

He fell to the dirty bathroom tiles with a sob, back convulsing at each one of his sobs, tears uncontrollably falling without a stop.

The want to throw up and the tingling sensation on his fingers came back like a truck.

And he only knew one way to stop this feeling.

His hand started knocking at his head, trying to shake the cravings out of his stupid brain, but nothing could do. He needed it, he was too weak already.

Unknowillingly, he was scratching at his forearm, enough to leave wounds as he aggressivily brought his nails on his sensitive skin.

With a resigned shake, his hand buried on his pocket, grabbing his vice into his hand.

He shook the substance on the palm of his hand, before bringing it to his face, snorting the small substance in one go.

Pure hatred toward himself came crushing down as soon as he did it.

"Jisung didn't look too good today" Chan said, pouting as he looked at Minho.

The sound of his name was enough for Minho to turn his head on the other side, his way of escaping this conversation once again.

Jisung...

Again, thousands of thoughts emerged in his sick brain.

Jisung...

Don't think about the traitor.

What traitor? He only wanted to help.

And pushed you into this amazing situation where everyone feels the need to take care of you and stigmatize you.

Does it really matter ? At least you have help now.

Help? He's only making you more and more sad.

If you didn't lash out on him you wouldn't be sad.

He deserved it.

He didn't. He deserved none of it and you know it. That's why you're hurting so much at the only sight of him. You want to apologize and make him feel safe again.

You don't. You scared him. You said horrible things. You don't want him near you again. You'll only hurt him more.

"I don't know" Minho muttered to himself.

"What did you say?" Chan asked, bringing Minho back from his spiraling thoughts.

"Nothing..." He said with a sigh "Let's do this" He said as he sat up, pointing at the q-tip.

"How are you feeling about the test today?" Chan asked with a soft tone

Minho didn't respond. He looked at his lap, hand brushing on his thigh anxiously, before gulping and raising his head, ready for the test.

Chan got it, and he brought the first q-tip to his mouth, then the second to his nose, bringing them to the machine right after.

As soon as it was over, Minho laid back down, turning his back to Chan as he wouldn't do anything to notice the disappointment fill Chan's face.

He closed his eyes tightly as he heard Chan's sigh when the light turned on.

He felt Chan softly caressing his arm, and the sound of his soothing voice.

"Tomorrow is another day, Min. You can do it" He softly said, and left the room.

Minho had noticed that Chan always texts Jisung after his results.

And every night, he would fall asleep with his stomach churning from thinking that Jisung knew he was positive.

And that only fill him with more disgust towards himself.