poetry by jungenwunder

Girl's Night

tw: overdosing, blood, mentions of abusive relationships and war

~inspired by penelope scott~

written on: december 8, 2023

*

i hate medication

everyone knows that but

i saw you outside my window

walking in the snow and

i couldn't help myself

i swallowed the whole box of pseudophed before i could even think about what i was doing

it made me dizzy and wobbly and so so happy because

i could just picture you there

in my room

on my bed

your mouth bleeding but a smile on your lips

stay, i said

you didn't say anything

i'll kill god if that's what it takes

i'll make you stay, i'll save you from that fate

but there was blood all over the floor now and it wasn't yours

the war had begun

and then the piano appeared

my bloody fingers on the keys

i used to play and i used to be good but

that was a long time ago and

i don't know why i even did it but

i played for you and it was sweet at first but then

i remembered what you did and the tapping of the keys became

violent and manipulative and horrible like you and

i couldn't stop

i didn't want to stop and

when i got to the end of pachelbel's canon, i sobbed

that was supposed to be us

in a church instead of the cabaret we are now

all i wanted to do was get in my car and drive

go somewhere, anywhere

but i knew that as soon as i started i'd only be able to go to one place

the grocery store where we met

so i stay in and watch the end of new girl

over and over, waiting for you to be there like you always are and

tell me about the future

our future

the thing i fought so hard for

battles upon bloody battles to claim you

i was going to run away with you

leave everyone behind

all the friends you said you hated but couldn't go a day without

we could lose this town and i'd get lost in your cigarette smoke

it made my lungs burn and my heart sting and i could barely see you through it but

i stayed

it seemed the only way to tell you how much i loved you

college was supposed to be the time of my life

parties and friends and going out and having fun

but i don't want to go out, i don't want to go to class or the cafeteria or anywhere really

if i step outside into that snow planets will collide and people will die and you'd ignore me

so i'll stay here and get so high that my heart stops and hope to see you because

i'll always love you, i whisper out the window as you fade from my dorm room view