Whatever It Takes | | ghost x soap x fem reader

17. Habit

    As we pull into the base gates after a long drive from the bar, I hop out of the vehicle and make a B line to my bedroom. I had been staying with Soap recently and he's pretty respectful. doesn't touch me without asking, hasn't kissed me yet, and doesn't try to fuck me at every given chance. Just warm cuddles until I fall asleep. Tonight though, I don't want to be touched by any man at all. I want to be by myself in my dark cold room.

   I still feel like I can feel those men's hands on me. ill be damned if I let another man have their way with me against my consent.

   "y/n! Where are you going?" soap yells from a distance.

   I don't respond, I just continue the walk down the hallways to my barren room. I feel like my whole body is shaking, sweat dripping down the side of my face. God. I'm a soldier in an elite task force and I couldn't even will myself to take down 2 simple defenseless men? I know I was having a PTSD attack but I wish I could've done something. anything. now they think I'm weak. 

  I stop in front of my door after a few minutes of walking and unlock it, slowly opening the door and making sure there's nobody in there to ambush me. seems like a silly fear but it wouldn't be the first time I've experienced that happening.

   I kick off my boots and throw myself onto the cold hard mattress, my face still covered with tears. I feel disgusting. I want to shower but it feels like I don't have the energy to do jack shit at the moment. for the first time in a long time, I just want to sleep. I want to sleep for hours without anyone knocking on my door disturbing me, but obviously, in the military, that's kind of hard to avoid.

   In almost an instant of me lying down on the bed even though I'm still in my clothes and not pj's, I fall asleep. All the thoughts and bad things that have happened are now in the back of my mind as I rest. Feels peaceful.

  

    I wake up with a sudden jolt. I feel like my insides are burning. I'm covered in sweat, running to the bathroom, and basically vomiting out my internal organs. god why did I have to drink so damn much?

   I stand up after I start to clear my vision a bit and look at the clock. Fucking hell it's only 4:30 am. I slept hardly an hour and a half. so much for wanting to sleep all night and day.

   I know damn well if I try and go back to sleep now every bad memory from the past 20 years will race through my mind faster than an F1 race.

   I sigh and look at myself in the mirror. holy. there are bags under my eyes and they look red and irritated from crying so long.

   Another teardrop falls down my face, then another, then another. 

    Why am I like this? why couldn't I be normal and lead a normal life?

   Before I can even decide my next move, my legs start walking for me. I'm heading to prices office. not to see price though. I know he's asleep right now. I just need a cigarette or cigar. 

    I dropped the gross habit of smoking a long time ago since I only did it under extreme stress, but it's all coming back to me. like a tidal wave of trauma and self-hatred. the feeling of not wanting to be alive.

    After a bit, i stop in front of Price's door. I open It slightly, making sure he isn't in there for any reason. once the coast is clear I slip in and pull a cigar out of his desk drawer and find a light. 

   Before I can light my stress reliever though, I look down on his desk. It's a file, of a person. I know I shouldn't be snooping but curiosity got the best of me and I opened it.

    It was the file of a 25-year-old girl named Bella Petrov. There's a small picture with a redhead girl with green eyes and freckles, plump lips with a scar running across, and long eyelashes. shes beautiful. 

   I can't help but feel like I recognize her from somewhere. She seems so, familiar. but I can't place my finger on it.

  Before I can dive any deeper into her file I hear some footsteps out in the hall.

   I quickly shut the drawer after throwing the file back in, grab the cigar and lighter, and slip out of Price's office. being quiet as possible I make my way to a window near the dorms.

  I light my cigar and take a long drag, instantly feeling myself relax. I really wish I could quit though.

    The same soft footsteps I heard from earlier start making their way toward me and I turn my head slightly to see none other than Gaz.

   "Can't sleep y/n?"

   "no, you?"

   "Nah, got a pounding headache from one of the men slamming me into the ground."

   A small shiver runs down my spine as I remember the encounter with the men from earlier that night. I take another drag from the cigar and blow out the smoke slowly, trying to savor the relaxation. I look over and see Gaz wincing at the smell of the smoke.

   "Didn't take you for a smoker, shadow."

   "I'm not, just need something right now."

   Gaz just nods his head as I continue to look out the window, he seems to understand I'm not really in a chatty mood at the moment because he doesn't say anything else while I finish the cigar. he like me, just looks out the window and up at the stars.

   Once I'm down to the last hit, I stump it out on the side of the cement wall and throw it out the window. As I'm turning to go back to my room, I feel Gaz's hand pat my shoulder and give me a reassuring smile.

   "can always talk to me ya know y/n. I promise I'm a good listener."

   I smile up at Gaz, appreciating the gesture, and make my way back to my room. if I didn't feel tired before, the cold air definitely did it for me. I pass out after lying down fast.

Next day

   I sit up in bed and look around my room, everything is the same, nobody lurking in the corners coming for me. I sigh at my silly imagination and take a look at the clock. It's already 12 pm.

   Price that goddamn bastard let me sleep in way too long. I love him for that.

   I yawn and stretch my legs before making my way to the bathroom. I should at least freshen up a bit so I don't go out there looking like I got hit by a damn train.

  I wash my face and put my hair into a messy bun. For clothes, I slip on a black compression T-shirt and Baggy grey sweatpants. even though it's cold I don't put socks or shoes on. too lazy.

   I sit in bed for a minute just kind of staring at the wall thinking to myself when I hear a buzz from my phone. I look at the notifications and there's a new text from Soap.

Shampoo (soap): Price needs us all in his office, sounds important.

Y/n: On my way.

  I stand up, stretching one last time before I walk down the corridor to Price's office. damn, I really wish I had worn socks and shoes now. my feet are freezing on the cold cement floors.

   Once I reach his office I look around the room and notice everybody already there, waiting on me. I internally curse myself as I always seem to be the one keeping everybody waiting.

  Price claps his hands together-

    "alright team, I know we just got a new member, shadow, a few months ago, but another very promising soldier has been brought to my attention. She will be temporarily staying with us to help catch Hassan. I'm not sure how long it will take but she could prove very useful.

  Her name is Bella Petrov."

1396 Words

A/n: sorry if this chapter was a bit boring, I have writer's block and I'm tired😭