Turning A New Leaf

Forty-Nine

Krist felt lame as hell crying the way he had at his mom's and even worse in front of Atira. She probably felt disrespected as fuck over it. He'd apologized to her, but she brushed it off, telling him he did not need to apologize for his grief.

Shaking the guilt was freaking hard. Krist found himself replaying every awful thing he did or said to her over and over in his head. There had been one time he had told her that he hoped she was raped in an alley and woke up covered in cum. At the time, he excused it as being up too long and having a short fuse because of that. It wasn't an excuse. It was shitty of him to say.

Not to mention all the violent things he had done during their relationship. He'd hit her, pulled her hair out of her scalp, and though he didn't remember doing it, he'd choked her with his hands.

Lainey had already felt like trash from the shit she'd done to make money before they'd met, and he managed to decimate any remaining self-esteem she had completely.

Lainey had pushed his buttons and provoked him, knowing he had a temper. She was a whole hundred pounds with clothes on. He had no right to put his hands on her.

The fuck was wrong with him? That evil shit came from somewhere, not just dope. Was he evil? Was it genetic? After all, his father had done the same damn things to his mom. Brad apparently had it in him, too.

It terrified him to think that whatever was wrong with him and the other men in his family could be passed down to Rocco and the son Atira was carrying.

Krist lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, Atira asleep beside him. He could never forgive himself if his boys grew into abusive men or if he ever put his hands on Atira.

With a heavy sigh, he reached for his phone and climbed out of bed to smoke outside. His mind went to Nina. He'd done her dirty, too. Hella dirty. He hadn't ever hit her or been violent with her like he'd been to Lainey. Sure, he'd had to restrain her, pin her a couple times when she swung on him, but he'd never even had the urge to lay hands on her. He just cared about dope and nutting. And Karla.

****

Nina's Facebook messenger dinged; it was eleven at night, and she was lying in bed, tears running down her cheeks. She missed her kids. Wiping her tears away, she looked at the phone. Krist? What the fuck did his sorry ass want?

"I been thinking a lot about the things I've done to you and I just need you to know how sorry I am. I don't expect you to forgive me and I ain't trying to do nothing other than have some sort of civility between us. You deserved a lot better than everything I done to you. I'm sorry Nina."

Nina scoffed, reading his message. Sorry ass couldn't even say what he did wrong. The last time she accepted his apology, he managed to hurt her again.

"Let me guess, you need attention from someone because your wife is pregnant, figures. I'm sure there are plenty of other stupid broads out there for you to bother. It isn't gonna be me." She responded, anger flaring inside her like a wildfire.

"Ain't even like that. I'm happy with my wife and aint tryna jeopardize what I have with her. I just keep thinking bout what I did to you, to Lainey n all the fucked up shit I done and it's fucking eat at me. I ain't that same person no more, I get it if you don't believe me or don't wanna believe me. I spent too much time being a pos."

Something softened inside of Nina but it was still hard to believe anything he told her.

"Are you high or just coming down?" She wrote, unable to keep her snarky comment to herself.

"Bro, I been off that shit 4 years since Rocco was born. I don't even get down like that."

Nina found herself crying again. He could get himself clean for Karla's son but not for her during her pregnancy or even after they'd lost Krist Antonio. Krist could never even call their child by his name. It was just "the baby". Of course, her son hadn't had a name until he was delivered, but he still had a name.

"Glad to hear that...I don't know what you want. I'm going through a lot, and I'm going to be honest, you don't make it easier." Nina sent, following up with, "I don't HATE you at all, believe it or not, but for my mental well being, I don't want to associate with you. Seeing you and Rocco reminds me of Krist Antonio and that he's gone. Idk, Krist. I feel like saying you're forgiven would be a lie. Other than my whore of a sister, nobody has ever hurt me the way you did. I LOVED you so much, and you just shit all over me like I'm some stupid joke.

"I can forgive you for sneaking behind my back and doing dope with Fernando, but I can't forgive you for missing the birth of our son bc you were apparently TOO high to get to the hospital. I can't forgive you for fucking Karla and betraying me like that. Do you realize how disgusting and downright disrespectful it is to find out that your bf had sex with your sister before showing up and kissing on you and then having sex with you? Did you even wash your shit? Doubt it.

"And not just all that, you lying to me when I was separated from Fabian saying you wanted to make things work and have this family with me but the whole time you were getting high still and with that girl."

As soon as her message had been sent, her Messenger began to ring. Krist was video-calling her. She didn't want to see his face but answered anyway, keeping her camera pointed at the ceiling.

"Look, Nina, the things I said to you when we were talking last, I meant. I wasn't even with Lainey at the time, and I was clean. You didn't seem serious about actually leaving him, so when Lainey and I started to talk, yeah, I went back," he told her, hitting his pre-roll.

"You say that, but I'm not sure I believe it. You lie so much that it's hard actually to know what's true with you," Nina told him.

"Yeah, I was a piece of shit."

Nina sighed, "I'm not even going to lie and say that you weren't because you were. Why are you calling me?"

She looked down at the phone screen, Krist's handsome face looking off in the distance, smoking his joint. Ugh. She hated that there was some degree of love for him still.

"I just wanted you to know I'm sorry," he told her softly, "Anyway, I'm gonna get to bed. Take care, Nina."

Krist ended the call abruptly, leaving the screen blank. Nina stared at the screen, perplexed by the conversation. She laid back in bed, clutching the pendant that held some of Krist Antonio's ashes.