Over Her Head - An SVU fic

28.Beginning the end

What are those crazy patrons up to next? Let's find out. Dick Wolf owns, I just borrow.

Later that afternoon after my appointment at the clinic, the abortion had been performed and now Fin saw me home. After getting me settled on the couch, he went about checking to see if I was okay.

"Talk to me."

"I'm fine."

"Like hell. You forget I was right there? I saw what it did to you even though you tried to be strong." I was still trying to be strong but at that point I lost it and my tears began to flow nonstop.

"Hey, it's alright." He said with his arm around me.

"I thought that I could be okay with it; that I could just do it and be done ya know? My life would go back to the way it was and that would be that... I didn't count on it hitting me this hard."

"Are you thinkin that you made the wrong choice?"

"I just wish that I hadn't gotten myself in such a bind. I wish that I hadn't been so stupid and I wish that I'd never met Thomas!" I said and put my head down in his lap.

***

Over the next two weeks I fell into a deep depression before I had come to terms with what I had to do. I knew in my heart that it was the best thing for everyone concerned, especially the baby. I could not have a child and have it looking over its shoulder; I couldn't be looking over my shoulder all of his or her life, I wouldn't do that to a child.

Yesterday, I finally got out of bed and I went to Central Park. I felt that it was finally time to say goodbye to the baby but I couldn't do it alone. I called Olivia and she agreed to meet me there. I bought a small bunch of balloons, and to them I tied a small handwritten note that read: Forgive me. Out on the central lawn, amidst the sunshine, I released them and watched as they rose through the air, I watched until they were so high that I could barely see them and the wind took them north.

"Wanna talk?" Olivia asked as we walked through the park. We had come to one of those out of the way roads and decided to sit for a while to rest her leg.

"Not really... I just...I wish that I had listened to you in the first place you know? Thomas...he was no good for me and you knew it."

"Amanda, don't do this to yourself. The important thing is you got out and you're safe."

"Don't forget stupid and naive."

"You fell in love. Love makes us do crazy things."

"It wasn't all love... The real reason I ran from Morocco was because he..."

"Amanda"

"More than once. I thought that if I...I don't know, I just; I'd never been more humiliated."

"I'm so sorry." Olivia said sincerely as she held me. "I wish I had known, I wish you felt you could have trusted me, trusted one of us."

"It wasn't trust." I said as I sat up. "I know that I can trust you guys I just; if I had told you, you would have come after Thomas and made me stay away and I didn't want that to happen. I thought that I could change him into a person who didn't do those things and I was wrong; I was so wrong." And that's when my tears broke and I fell into Olivia's arms and just cried.

"It's okay; I promise it'll be okay now."

***

For two weeks now, depression had him in its grips and it didn't seem to be getting any better. He missed Olivia, missed her so much that it pained his soul and yet, he still couldn't talk to her. Every time he wanted to he saw David touching her in his mind and that made him punch a wall so he'd always put the phone away and find a way to occupy his time; that was usually with work. Since that night and morning with Julia, he's been pretty much nonstop, working around the clock and ignoring her advice.