Candid Heartstrings

Randomly rn

It's just my feeling, I'm not writing anything new here

Am I who I want to be? Or am I just being unconsciously influenced by others that surround me? I have grown and I have become better me from the inside but what about who I want to be?

Am I really who I want to be or am I still becoming who others want me to be? Maybe not... maybe it's how I want to be for others more than what others want me to be. That's growth alright. But now what?

What comes ahead?

Am I becoming who I really want to become? Doing what I really want to do?
Doing what you love and doing what you want is different? Idk really. I'm confused regarding that.
Is doing what I want related to what I love and doing what I want to because for becoming who I want to be so different?

How come I just realised it right now?
I have been alone in hostel for months. And it has been feeling freedom
It has been exploring feelings and feeling them. Enjoying
I guess that phase has now passed
Then came the thoughts of how I want to be for others maybe? Well particularly two to three people.

But now what
Why did this thought come to me?
"Am I who I want to be? Or am I trying to become what I want to be for others"

I guess in midst of all new and personalisation, doing things I never did and never got to experience, I may have forgot one thing
Who am I?
I may have been relying too much on my feelings for action rather than thoughts that come from those feelings regarding who I want to be

Is this really me now?
I love it really, a side of it. But I have to go through so much more right now. I wouldn't get the chance again if my dad puts me in coaching.

Do I want to regret it?

My time management skills suck
But I guess I really need to figure out WHAT and WHO I want to be and what I want to be for others, so that I can focus on who I am gonna try to be? A mix of course but yeah

I wanna do what I enjoy the most- spend time with my closest friend. But I also wanna do things that make me who I am and who I wanna be too. And ig I have to start being serious about it... or maybe not serious but consider about it?

I love
And also grew
And I wanna stay
And I will stay
But it's time I must hold my own hand too.
I know I can do it.
Holding love and holding my own hand.
Wish me luck

I'm going to try to mend things with mom, try to become her friend. I'll talk to family and friends, assigning time for people and myself now. And even studies. It has to be done to get what I want. And I know I can't get everything what I want so I'll just try and enjoy. I won't at all let go of what I love, but include all others as well.

My life does not revolve around just a person, it revolves around everyone around me. I love chaos

And that's who I want to be
Not bliss
Not peace
But a chaotic beauty with a peace sign ✌🏻
Time to go from 🫶🏻 to ✌🏻

Love
Trying to find a path among all that I created
Me