Candid Heartstrings

*Rolls eyes*

Sometimes I wonder if people are the one using me or that I am the one getting myself be used. So far, I don't let any toxic people to control me, atleast not toxic by heart.

Ever had someone you looked up to? Wanting to become like them? Not because they are popular, or lovable but because you can see the darkness inside them, how they struggle to survive and yet they're smiling and trying to be there for others, even when they're being broken down into pieces?

I sure did, A year ago. Being an empath I can see what other's can't, 

so far if I ever had any instance in my life prove it to me that I am an empath? Was with her, how I could read her while she hid her feelings and stress. She reminded me alot of myself and who I wanted to be,

She was like me, but on a higher level on everything- Kindness, helpfulness, therapy, a big heart caring for her friends, keeping her friends together and having a memorable time? Everything.

Including the flaws I used to have, or still have- Increase inclination to push those who care for her away when she is sad, hate herself from crying, frequent anger outburst that could tear the front person apart.

She was overboard, she helped her friends in things they didn't need help from. From my life, I learnt this one thing to see when a fight is incoming. And so I did, I didn't involve myself because I won't throw away my peace because of someone's utter stupidity just because someone casually called her friend an insult. Even though that someone, didn't mean it as an insult. 

I still remember being worried for her and how she was throwing away all her peace. She was a clear example of how one of my friends didn't want me to be like. Seeing her, I understood his concern and why he would lecture and worry about me all that much. 

I thought I moved on though. I looked up to her, didn't speak much with her but we had our funs in groups. Eventually, I helped someone who was our common friend, before her and then it happened. 

I remember it, It was a message in the group and I took it to pms, made my friend laugh and smile too. Later, way later she, the one I looked up to, came online and started writing replies, i told her there that the matter was handled but she didn't listen so I took it to pms with her too. 

I remember that whatever I would say would hurt her because I could feel the vibes of her already being stressful over something in her life. 

Screw her now for all I care. How she treated me then? I swore to never care for her ever again.  How much times I would worry about her and tell her friends to be with her so that she is okay, How many times I would just be in the background, staring at her in awe as she did her thing so flawlessly with a force smile. How many times I would ponder that no one saw her sacrifices of herself, that no one saw how she forced herself to the point of breaking, no one saw behind that 'scary' facade how scared she really was, that no one was there to comfort her when she needs it and she does comfort herself alone. No one saw how truly strong she was and how weak too. 

Truth to be told, we had the same personality. Which made it far more easier for me to see what others couldn't. 

Looking back, I wished I never met her. She judged me only because of a small thing. How idiotic of me to even put her up on a pedestral, wanting to be like her. We weren't close that time but that didn't stopped me from looking up to her and wanting to be like her. 

Stupid child I was. A fool. Wish I could travel back and give a tight slap to myself

Selfish, someone who never put herself in other's shoes, someone who would never understand 'her' pain, Someone who never cared about anyone but her.. I still remember her words and the affect they had on me. 

What's worse, Is that I understood why she felt that way, I understood why she was being so harsh so I was polite. But she didn't let me speak and blocked me. I manage to give one last try to clear the misunderstanding, leaving it to her to decide whatever she wants, she blocked me on the next platform too. And unblocked only to tell her views.

Right, So I was the selfish one huh? 

But then again, I knew why she did that because of how she is, I  knew her side of reasons without her even telling me, she didn't even need to word out her reasons to make out the point across me. 

I think that was the time I decided to never observe people ever in my life. 

If there was one thing I could change about myself? Anything good into bad?
It's the understanding I have of how people think, their reasons behind their feelings, their reasons behind any actions. It makes things worse when u can understand the others pain and get confused whose pain are you even feeling? Yours? or Theirs? What are you sorry for? That they were blinded by anger and were selfish and hurt you? Or was it how you couldn't calm them down and help them? That they never reach out? Or that you never tried to? 

What did hurt you the most huh?

I just wish I  couldn't see other's point of view in things and especially emotions. Really, How great would that be? Sure I wouldn't have such experience in friendship because being felt used as a playtoy who can be tossed away when not needed and hugged to the bone when needed. Really, the girl who made me feel that way, that I was nothing but a useless piece of garbage is now my sister and irl bestfriend 😂😂😂 

I mean how bizzare is that right!?!

But then again, its because of my bestfriend do I have so many helpful advices regarding friendships. xD. the only freaking thing I am good at, the only topic I know much about is Friendship. That's all. 

Ufff from one topic to another again, way to go me.

Why are you reading this shit?
Why am I writing it? Ah no one cares why I am writing it, not even me myself. Nevermind that, 

After a year, we (the one i looked up to) talked like that never happened. But I put distance between us, she didnt feel it. It was like a transparent glass wall between us, only I could see, but she couldn't

I was fucking there for her during her most scared time, spammed her like crazy so that she would be okay and sacrificed my sleep for her. Like seriously!? I barely used to get 4 hrs of sleep then, But I didnt want to leave her hanging when she said she needs help but changed the sentence because she didn't want to be a burden to me. I was awake till 6am just for her, sneaked and tried to keep her mind occupied while she was working on something else side by side too. 

And later? Pfft got dumped due to a misunderstanding by her side. Like wth now I don't get a crab anymore. Misunderstand me for all I care. 

funny, how both are so called fights didnt have me ever be close to her, and never said those words that 'i dont like u' ' i hate u' 'we're not friends' 

Never, but it was a silent agreement.

Even now, today I messaged her one last time, idk y. Ggooshhhh 

I NEED SOMEONE TO KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO ME PLEASE!

but eh, this time I wasn't hurt. Funny how she was the first to make me cry when I wasn't even close to her nor she was close to me, a year ago. And crappy thing, I cried because of two reasons, 1. I made matter worse and not she who didnt listen, 2. I hurt her. 

Oohhhhh will u look at that?? I have a third reason too! YAY!

3. I was hurt 

Yeah lol I am one of a kind, so Idk if anyone of u been through the same or know what I even felt

Especially when I dont even know myself

A note to all of you right there. If a girl argues with u, it's cause of two things

1. she cares about ur opinion and cares for u

2. She is in a very bad mood.

But if she doesnt argue anymore, she lost interest in u. She doesnt care about u anymore. Lol why am I saying this? Do I have any idea? 
nope. I dont.