Wanted (In More Ways Than One)

I'm Alive! (But Changed)

Author's Note (It's a hopeful update, I swear):

Hello everyone! I can't believe it's been over a year since I last updated and I am SO sorry for that. Here is what has been happening since you last heard from me:

So I had some complicated health issues that I've been dealing with for a long time. I ended up switching doctors hoping she could help more, and it turns out that what ended up happening was that I was misdiagnosed and so was therefore on the wrong treatment plan for the past six or seven years. This means that the heavy meds I was taking was actually NOT helping me get better, and was instead mainly intensely sedating me 24/7 for almost seven years straight. Yeah, not a fun time. When my new doctor got the confirmation that I was misdiagnosed and had a different diagnosis, she turned to me and said, "I have no idea how you were even walking in a straight line and holding a coherent conversation with me these past couple months with those meds in your system." 

So for a while I was being weaned off of those meds so we could get them out of my system before I would be put on the meds that would actually HELP me heal (which ended up helping SO MUCH thankfully! I am finally getting better!!!!!). That was a very... interesting time. For the past seven years, being heavily sedated 24/7 and living with that was all I knew. In fact, coming off of those meds, I realized that it really WAS all I knew as my mind cleared up more and I could think better (more on that later). The first day I completely got off of those meds was the first day I didn't take any sedatives for over six and a half years. I was up for over 24 hours because my brain had to relearn how to shut off without an extra burst of sedatives being put into it's system. 

Now, even though I stopped taking that med didn't mean it was out of my system yet, it just meant no more was being added. I had been on such a high dose of that med for so long that it was caked in my system and took multiple months to clear out fully. This means that I had to constantly relearn how to function with a higher processing power and not falling asleep every time I sat down and being able to do more than one thing a day and retain information. Which is a good thing, but a big change and a big unexpected adjustment to deal with.

Now back to what I mentioned regarding not remembering anything. Turns out being sedated that badly and consistently for so long actually gives you amnesia! Who knew? I definitely didn't! So yeah, I'm recovering from amnesia right now. Thankfully I didn't lose motor skills or functions or anything. I just lost like 99% of my memory in a Jason Bourne style. So I didn't remember who I was really (except I remembered my name thank heavens) but I still had retained my skills and abilities. It's actually interesting because I won't even know I have this skill or ability until it pops up in my life and I'm like, "oh look at that, I can shoot a basket from the 3-point line... But not any other line for some reason?!?!?!?" There's also moments where a song comes on and I'm vibing to the opening notes and am like, "I really like this song. What's it called?" and then the chorus comes on and I'm singing it word for word even though I don't know the song? Anyways, long story short, this is an experience I never thought I would be going through and yet here I am. XD

Now you're probably wondering: what does this mean for this fic? 

Well this means that it took me a while to be reminded that you guys exist! I promise it wasn't personal at all, just awful circumstances. I will say though that I still have a LOT of fond feelings for you guys once I remembered you guys were here, which must have carried over, which is AWESOME and means that those feelings were strong to have survived "the purge." So thanks so much guys for just being you, being so supportive, and being SO patient! 

Now, here's the bad news (sorry, I'm really bummed about it myself even though I know it's not my fault and was out of my control): I do NOT remember anything that I have written or anything that I had planned for the rest of this fic. So this is my plan: I'm going to reread this fic, dig up my notes that I really hope I have and am pretty sure exist somewhere, and then replan this fic out and continue on writing it! 

Back to good news: Just digging up my login for Wattpad led me to discover that I had a small portion of the next chapter already written along with the author's note at the beginning before my mind was wiped. So I'll be publishing that to tide you guys over until I can sort everything out and get this fic up and running again. The author's note at the end is from me (ShyCourage 2.0).

You guys are amazing! Keep up being you because you're awesome just as you are! <3