Tainted Love - Drarry

Chapter Two

Draco 

Pansy and I entered the great hall about five minutes later. Nothing seemed very out of the ordinary, the usual hustle and bustle of the first meal was still present. Although, it seemed quiet. Usually, there was laughter and shouting everywhere. There was still laughter and shouting, but it seemed more dull. There were less smiles and more hushed voices, mostly speaking about the war. I couldn't help but sneak a small glance over to the Gryffindor table as we entered. The Golden Trio was sitting with their other Gryffindork friends, as per usual, but Harry was a bit more set back. Everyone around him was laughing and chatting, but he kept his head hanging low and didn't participate. 

As if on cue, his head popped up and he looked in my direction just as I diverted my eyes. I couldn't have Harry finding out about this petty infatuation or his ego would fly through the roof. I followed Pansy over to the Slytherin table and loaded my plate up with various foods. Mainly just to make her happy; I wasn't planning on eating much. 

Mine and Potter's moods were quite similar to each other this evening. I as well kept my head down for most of the time and only spoke/laughed when  Pansy kicked me or nudged me. My mind began to tune out the conversations around me and traveled to a darker place. I thought about my mother and father, and the people they had killed, and Snape, and Dumbledore who I almost had to kill, and Voldemort and how I hate that he completely destroyed my entire life, and how even if I wanted to be with Harry I couldn't because he would never forgive me for what I have done. And he's straight. 

I honestly started to grow a bit upset thinking about all these things and even felt a few tears prick to my eyes. It was all just happening too fast. I was not ready to be around so many people and have so much information about magic and whatnot be thrown at me right now. But I was doing this for my mother; I owe her this much. 

Feeling too upset to finish my meal, I excused myself from the table and hurried towards the door of the great hall. I heard Pansy calling behind me but decided to ignore her. I snuck one last glance towards Harry who was already looking in my direction, probably because of my sudden exit during what was supposed to be a 'joyous' time of the school year. I just put my head down once again and finally made my way back to the dorm.

Once I got to my room, I let the tears fall. I know, I probably seem like such a child but this happens about once a week. The dark side of my mind that I try to keep hidden comes into my thinking space and completely ruins my day. War really changes people. Two years ago, I never would have thought to cry when I had a problem. I simply bottled it up and just forgot about it. But bottle can only hold so much, and if you aren't careful, they explode. 

I started to scratch at my mark furiously, feeling utterly terrible for who I was, what I had done, what I hadn't done. I could not stand it, that ugly black skull serpent slithering around on my arm. It began to burn the more i clawed, but I could care less. In times like this, I just want it to be gone. No matter how much pain I have to inflict on myself to make it go away. 

A few minutes later, I finally stopped sobbing and ceased the scratching. There was a bit of blood trickling down my arm. I reached up on my desk and grabbed a tissue to wipe it off, then took a moment to examine my arm. The once clean mark was now covered in small scratch marks from past meltdowns and panic attacks, some bigger than others, going all the way up my arm. Some of the newer ones were still pink, but the older ones had faded to an ugly flesh color. I was utterly ashamed of myself that I had stooped so low. 

Soon I stood up and dusted myself off, then went downstairs into the common room. A couple more eighth years were coming back from dinner, silently chatting amongst themselves. The Golden Trio arrived shortly after as well.