Better Kept Secret

chapter 4

After hanging out at Rachel's, I walked home alone, my mind reeling with thoughts of what we had talked about. It's really not a big deal that they thought Ben and I had gotten together, they always tease me about dating him, but for some reason, today it made me feel different. It feels like something has shifted.

Maybe I wouldn't mind if we were together, my intrusive thoughts say.

What? No, I don't mean that. He's my best friend and I definitely don't feel that way about him. God, no. I've watched him lick a park swing. I definitely don't feel that way.

I don't want to think about this anymore, so as I walk into my apartment, I try to clear my mind of everything. But it's hard to find peace in my mind when as soon as I walk into that door, everything I have been avoiding at school will be right in my face.

Taking a deep breath, I walk into my apartment and towards the living room. It's quiet, only the buzz of the lights making a sound. I sit down on the couch brushing the fabric with my fingers. I miss sitting here on movie night with my family but we haven't done that since my dad died. I miss him more than anything. I miss how life was before he died too, how much easier it was.

I turn on the TV, wanting to fill the silence that's suffocating me. The Office is on but I can't stay focused on it. I want to check on mom. It's a little niggling feeling that I have, but I know that she likes her space so I stay in the living room.

Our apartment is not too small but it's definitely not nice. The paint on the walls is chipped and an ugly gray color. In recent years it's gotten even worse and our home is messy. It's hard to stay on top of it all by myself and the living room has kind of gone to shit. There's piles of laundry in here, my homework on the floor, and all the junk we don't have space for. My mom has her own bedrooms and so do I. They're both small but I don't mind the size.

The need to check on my mom doesn't go away and I finally give in, quietly walking towards her room.

"Mom?" I say as I gently knock on her door. She doesn't respond. I wait a second for her hoping that maybe she'll say something back but she doesn't. I slowly open the door just sticking my head in.

She's lying in bed, her eyes open a bit and facing the door. Her eyes look sunken in and she's pale with a green hue to her skin. Her greying hair sticks to her face with sweat. It looks like her hair is starting to mat too.

"Are you alright mom?" I say softly. She blinks, turning her head to look at me. She licks her lips which are cracked and dry. She needs water.

"I'm going to get you some water mom. Do you want something to eat too?" I ask her. "I'm pretty hungry."

She stays silent for a bit before speaking, "Sure. Just make some soup." I know that that's my que to leave. She loves me, but most of the time she prefers to be alone.

I get started on the soup and bring her some nice cold water. I walk into the room, making sure to be quiet.

"Drink some," I say while holding up the cups to her lips. I slowly tip the cup into her mouth and smooth the hair on her head out of her face. She turns away though, obviously not wanting to be touched.

In the past month things have gotten worse. She barely ever leaves her bedroom anymore and that was probably the first time she spoken in multiple days. But I know she's going to get better. I just know it. For now I have everything under control, I pay for the groceries with my money from working at the ice cream shoppe and her unemployment check pays the bills.

Everything will be fine.

I set the soup down knowing that she'll eat it   once I leave and pick the banana peel from her bedside table up to throw out. I leave a banana and sometimes something else every morning to make sure that she eats. I'm glad to find only the peel and an empty plate with only a few toast crumbs today, because sometimes she doesn't eat at all.

I walk out of her room while kicking the mess in the hall to the side to get to my bedroom. As soon as I flop on top my bed, I pull up Ben's contact to text him.

Me
i'll give u ur shirt back tomorrow

Ben
dont worry about it. add it to ur collection ;)

Me
i don't keep a collection

Ben
liar
where is my spiderman shirt then

Me
you let me have that!

Ben
so u admit u do have it

Me
...

Ben
do u wanna sleep over on the friday
my sister's going to my aunts then

I sigh, feeling regret again for saying yes to the party. I would rather go to Ben's, but I promised my friends.

Me
i have plans :p
what about saturday

Ben
k but my sister will have friends over then

Me
its okay
I'm great w kids😙

Ben
Wow u rlly love to lie
see u then

I'll worry about my mom when I'm gone at his place but sometimes I like to just get away. Plus, we haven't had a sleepover in so long.

Our parents always let us have sleepovers, mine never cared that he's a boy. I remember the first time I went to his cabin to sleep over for a week, we wrecked the carpet by pouring a huge bin of slime onto it.

For about a year after that we weren't allowed to have sleepovers.

But his parents trust us, even though we're older now. Sometimes when we were little I would sleep in his bed, but now we just sleep in the basement, him on the couch and me on the blow up mattress. His parents love me and I love them because they treat me like I'm their third kid. I've never felt uncomfortable there. Sure, his little sister can be annoying sometimes but going to his house is still one of my favorite things. Doing anything with him is my favourite thing. Just sitting in my room texting him puts a giddy smile on my face.

I look up at the ceiling of my bedroom, feeling that maybe this weekend could be fun. A sleepover with Ben and my first party. I need to stop always telling myself things are going to turn out shitty because then they will.

I'm going to have a good time, I repeat over and over in my head.

I'll have my friends with me, what could go wrong?

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authors note

do u guys like that I put in songs above each chapter?? Tell me if it's annoying cuz I'll remove them

Byeee🎀🎀