Better Kept Secret

chapter 36

Ben's mom came down to the basement as soon as she got back. It's around 8 o'clock now, and I've been resting alone since Ben went upstairs.

"Your mom's at the hospital, because she's had a breakdown. They're going to help her, Elowyn. I promise," she says to me.

The hospital? The mental hospital? Oh god. I don't know what I expected her to say, and in some ways I'm shocked and in some ways I'm not. I mean, I knew she wasn't going to come back here with my mom perfectly happy. I also knew that mom needed professional help, but to hear the words out loud is strange.

"You can stay with us until she's out, even after that if that's what you want. And don't worry, your mom knows you're here and is okay with it."

"O-okay," I say looking away because my eyes fill with tears of sadness and gratitude.

She hugs me in a quick and tight mom-hug.

"She needs help from professionals who know how to deal with depression. She needs their help even after she leaves the hospital, okay?" I nod, sighing a little bit.

"Dinner will be ready in ten minutes but come up whenever you're ready."

I sigh as she leaves, combing my hands through my hair. I can't imagine how my mom must feel right now, scared and alone at the hospital. And now I'm staying in the Grayson house until... I have no idea how long. I take another deep breath, calming myself before I to the dining room.

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I pour some Coca Cola from the 2L bottle into my cup, chug it, and then pour some more. The conversation at dinner is light and easy, surprisingly. We rarely have family dinners at home, but eating with Ben's family is making me think about how mom was getting on track and we were eating together, actually. When I thought she was getting better, we went out to eat and spent more time together than we had since I was little, and I wish she was here eating with me right now.

I shovel dinner down fast. I'm starving from not eating, only crying, all day long. Avery goes on and on about school, and it makes me giggle, hearing all the elementary school drama. Sometimes I wish I was little again, but think better of it.

When I was a little girl everything was easy, or at least in the memories at the forefront of my mind it was. My parents took care of me and I was blissfully unaware of all the problems in the real world.

When I was in grade four and five, I was an office helper. That meant spending my break with the secretary photocopying and answering the phone. Looking back, I think, that sounds fun. I wish I could go back to my elementary school, back to Mrs. Ross' office. But really, having always been someone with high anxiety, I kind of hated it. My heart would beat faster and my palms would sweat as I answered the phone to say, "Student speaking," and transfer them to the secretary. I bit at my lip viciously during that time, but I still did the office helping because there was no one to hang out with at break. I had Ben, but I thought boys and girls weren't supposed to play together. Especially when Ben had a whole group of friends who were boys and I would be the only girl. And every boy except for Ben scared me. No girls ever teased me, only boys. But I also couldn't seem to make a connection with any of the girls.

I want the happiness of being a little kid again, but even back then, I had issues and anxiety. I'm sure if I told Ben I was lonely he would have played with me. I know for a fact, actually. But I didn't want to bother him, like how I don't want to bother him and his family now with my family's issues.

So I hid in the office and, thinking clearly about it now, I realize I hated every second of it. I made myself miserable just because I didn't want to ask for help, to let someone know I was lonely, to put myself out there. And I'm still wary of putting myself out there. As I overthink it now, giving polite nods and smiles to Ben's mom and dad, I realize it's better to be brave and ask for help. To open my mouth and ask for change, because there's no point in living miserably just to keep your secrets.