Better Kept Secret

chapter 31

When I go into my room after school, my mom is still laying there, just like how she was when I left her in the morning.

"Mom," I say forcefully. I'm not allowing her to let this take over again. She turns over, shakes her head and asks what time it is.

"Time for us to go out. Don't you remember tonight we were going to eat out?" Part of her introduction back into society is going out at least once a day, so she gets used to it and can hopefully go back to work so we don't have to be buying the majority of our groceries from Dollarama. I am truly sick of Mr. Noodles for dinner.

"I can't today Elowyn," she says while pushing herself upright. She moves the hair from her cheeks, the snakes coiling back to reveal her face, which for a second looks like when she was young. I get a flash of her youthful beauty that I saw so often in my childhood, but her face turns right back into its usual grimace.

"You can though mama. C'mon. You have to." She looks up at me, her silver eyes meeting my brown ones. "For me," I say while staring into those eyes that always look lifeless.

"Fine," she says before getting up and shuffling into the bathroom. I don't like to guilt trip her, but it seems to be the only way to get her to do things. Whenever I mention doing it for me, she always does it. To make up for the years she didn't do it for me.

Once she's dressed and ready we head out. Like always, her eyes flit around nervously and she doesn't make much conversation, but it's better than nothing. We go to McDonalds, which is just down the block.

As my mother chews her Filet O Fish, which I've never understood why she likes, she stares out the window with a look on her face. A look of longing. The way the front of her brows are scrunched and her eyes are glassy give it away.

I follow where she has been looking and my eyes lock onto a happy couple. A woman, young and beautiful, a strong man standing tall with a wide smile. And between them is a little girl. A little girl who holds onto each of her parents hands, their arms swinging her so she jumps into the air. Whenever she jumps and they swing her, she giggles like crazy. Her mop of blonde hair, just like mine, sways in the wind. Suddenly the fries in my mouth taste like mud as I swallow, and I have to rip away my eyes from the family that makes my gut knot up. I look down at the Big Ms on my wrapper, littered with fallen pieces of lettuce and sauce, and then back up to my mothers face which still looks at the family. She rubs at her ring without even thinking about it, holding on tightly.

The longing is clear, and it makes me sad to see her so sad. As I follow where her eyes are again, I see them not locked onto the little girl that reminds me of myself, but the man who holds her hand. Does she long for me to be her little girl again or for her husband to be here instead? I think the answer is clear. The sight of her and the people out the window of the McDonald's makes a pit in my stomach, because of the thoughts it brings to my head. My mother's world is missing my father. My mother's life is grief. She forgets to live because all she thinks about is what has been lost, and because of that, she has lost herself as well. And maybe she has lost me somewhere along the way too.

✦ ─ ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ ─ ✦

It's game day, which also means it's the day Ben and I go all PDA on the whole school. The thought makes me giggle. There probably won't be any PDA now that the school knows we're a couple, but tonight is the first time we've acted like a couple in front of anyone.

I stayed after school hanging out in the library because Ben had to go to soccer straight after school ended. Now I'm sitting on the bleachers with my friends who are waiting for the game to start. Tonight our school plays some rich school from the posh end of town, and they're pretty good. I mean, with all the funding they have, they better be. I'm so excited to cheer Ben on tonight.