Better Kept Secret

chapter 13

I consider not going to school the next day because my anxiety is high and I don't want to see Mark. But eventually, I decide it would be best to just go, so everything stays normal and the same. In order for everything to stay the same no one can know what happened. It's not necessary for anyone to know either, it's not like he really... Did anything.

It's not like I don't have other secrets too and it's not that hard to keep something in. It's just one more secret.

As I get ready for school my stomach feels uneasy. I feel like I'm going to throw up but I walk to school anyways. The closer I get, the faster my heart beats and I can feel my hands shaking slightly.

I lay low, as I always do, in English class. I don't raise my hand, although I don't usually do that either, but I'm silent for the whole class. My second period class was just a work period so it wasn't hard to get through because there wasn't a chance the teacher would ask me to answer a question. The bell ringing startles me from the peaceful state I was in and I immediately feel anxious. The crowded hallways and potential of running into Mark makes a chill run up my spine. I quickly grab my books and head out of the room, straight to my locker.

I speed walk down the halls and see no sign of Mark. As soon as I get to my locker, I shove my books inside and grab some money so I can buy something to eat for lunch instead of being here where Mark probably is. As I turn on my heel, I notice someone with a mop of messy brown hair towering over me.

"Wanna eat with me today?" Ben says.

"I c-can't. Un-un... unless you w-wan-wan," I keep stuttering so I pause for a second and take a breath. I continue, "Want to go to Sub-subway with me." He looks at me with concern because he knows that I only stutter when I'm anxious. I didn't think my stutter would be this bad, but right now we're in the middle of the hall and Mark could be close so I'm on edge. I still find it embarrassing to stutter, even if it's just in front of Ben because everyone teased me about it when I was younger. I kind of think I've been doing better at not stuttering recently,  but obviously that's not true right now.

"Are you okay?" He asks while leaning against his locker.

"I'm fine," I say while walking towards the exit of the school and Ben follows.

"Are you sure? Just come eat with me," he says while grabbing my arm. I shake him off.

"No. I r-really want t-t-to go out to e-eat." I check my surroundings and sure enough, Mark is just at the end of the hall with his friends. I feel the blood drain from my face and I quickly look away.

"You're as pale as a ghost. Are you sick?" Ben says while touching my forehead.

"Ya, I f-feel like I'm go-going to throw up," I say honestly.

"Shit," he says. "Here, why don't I drive you home. You need to rest. And I'll explain everything to your mom so-"

"No!" I interrupt while walking out of the school but Ben still follows me.

"Why? I really think it would be best if you got some rest at home." I don't reply, looking into the distance to see if Mark is close. "What's going on? You keep looking around like you're wait for someone."

"I'm just a bit... d-d-distracted. It would be be-better if you didn't take me h-home or explain anything to my-my mom," I say while still checking for signs of Mark.

"Why won't you let me in your apartment?"

"What?" I say while my head snaps towards him.

"I know something is up. You won't ever let me into your house, even when it's something important like now."

"Nothing's up."

He looks at the ground, seeming like he is contemplating what to say next. "I know that you lied to me on Sunday. About going to work at the ice cream shop. I know it isn't even open then." I look away from his eyes that are burning into mine, feeling ashamed. "You only stutter when you're anxious. Why won't you just tell me what's wrong?"

I'm overwhelmed and I need to get away quickly so Mark can't notice me. Anger and worry are running through me and finally, I snap.

"Not everything is about y-you!" I shout at him. Tears spring to my eyes but I won't let them fall. "Why would I lie? There's absolutely nothing wrong an-and and I'm perfectly fine." I finish while crossing my arms.

"I'm just trying to help you," he says looking hurt. I want to look at him in the eyes to prove my point, but I know if I do he'll see the dampness in mine and I'll see the hurt in his.

"Well I don't need your help. Can't you see that I want you to l-leave me alone." My voice cracks. He takes a step towards me. "Leave me alone!" I say. Finally I look up and his eyes meet mine. I can tell that he's angry. Ben swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing and he closes his eyes tightly like what he has to say hurts him.

"Fine. If that's what you want." He walks away, leaving me alone like I asked. My eyes are glistening with tears and I run off school property. I feel awful. Forget Subway, I just want to go home and sleep.

My stomach is in more knots than it was in the morning because I know I shouldn't have said what I said. Ben is one of the only people who really cares. I mean, I barely even have the support of my mother anymore. He can be overprotective, but it doesn't mean that I had to shit on him. I want to take back everything, but I needed to protect my secrets.