Better Kept Secret

chapter 14

I spent the rest of the day laying in bed, overthinking everything from the past week. It feels like so many things have changed in such a short amount of time and I just can't deal with it anymore.

I realize with shame, that I'm exactly like my mother right now. Laying in bed not facing my problems, sleeping all day long. Who will take care of us if neither of us can function?

My phone pings with a text notification, awakening me from my thoughts. I wonder for a second if it's from Ben and then I realize that he's probably still mad.

Rachel
i made plans for us to go to the beach😁😁 claire is so excited

Me
yay!

I try to type out a longer response, but I'm not actually that excited so I don't know what to say. Technically this was my idea and I did want to go to the beach but the thought of socializing is making my skin crawl.

Rachel
btw why weren't u at school today

Me
i felt sick ☹️

Rachel
Oh nooo hope u feel better
Claire is texting me rn to ask if we can go to the beach and stay till late. Maybe have a campfire

Me
ya ig that's fine

Rachel
She wants to know if more people can come at dark
I knew she was going to turn this into a huge thing omg

Me
Tell her no

She reads my message and I wait for her response, clicking on Ben's name in my contacts. Should I text him and apologize? Or is better to just let things cool off by themselves? I try to type out a real apology, but all I can say without telling him the truth is sorry.

Around ten minutes later Rachel answers my message and I discard the text I was working on to send to Ben.

Rachel
Too late she's already telling people. We can just leave if it gets too busy. srry that it turned into this

This was supposed to be just us time, not another party. I hope it stays casual.

Me
Its okay

I really don't want to go now. I hope it doesn't turn into a party because I'm only up for something small. Curling into a tight ball in my bed, I try to take deep breaths and slow my heart beat. Flashes of Ben keep rushing through my mind. Pictures of the hurt in his eyes and him walking away. I want my guilt to go away, but it won't until I tell him I'm sorry. How can I do that though, without telling him the truth?

✦ ─ ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ ─ ✦

The rest of the week goes through in a blur. I didn't end up going to school the next two days because I did genuinely have a bit of a cold. Usually I never skip school because I don't like to stay home. Usually I'll take any chance to leave, but this week the thought of going to school made me feel even more sick.

It was strange to see how my mom lives during the day when I'm gone. It's not that different from when I'm there, but it just feels like the house is even more empty during the day. Maybe somewhere in the back of my head I think that she gets up and moves during the day, but clearly that isn't true. This morning she got up to sit on the couch. We talked a little. She didn't ask any questions about why I hadn't gone to school the past days and eventually, we ate breakfast in silence.

I'm getting ready to go to beach and my anxiety from a couple days ago had gone down. I'm nervous that more people than I expected will show up, but like Rachel said, we can just leave if it gets too crowded.

My sunscreen, extra clothes, a towel, and some lunch are all packed in my bag. I guess I'm ready to go. I'm wearing a two piece with patterns of palm trees and I have jean shorts over top.

I take the elevator down so I can wait for Rachel on the curb. In the distance, I see her little red car coming towards me.

"Elowyn! Are you excited??!?" She yells cheerily at me while stopping for me to get in.

"Of course," I respond while hopping in the passenger side. Claire is taking her own car, so it's just us.

"I know it's not exactly what you were expecting but I've been thinking and I think it will be a lot of fun." Rachel's long, orange hair is in a ponytail with a bow in it and she's wearing a pink bikini with a pink skirt over top.

"Do you know who's coming?"

"Not exactly. People from Claire's circle, probably. Debate club people maybe." I nod. "Oh, and people from the soccer team too, because she's getting closer with them ever since she started dating her boyfriend." Exactly the people who I am trying to avoid. Oh no. I guess that means her boyfriend is coming because he's the one on the soccer team with all the soccer friends.

I realize that there's a strong possibility Ben will be there and I panic internally because I haven't spoken to him since Wednesday, the day of the fight.

"Do you think um.. do you think Ben will be there?" She looks over at me.

"Why? Do you want him to be? You can invite him if you want."

"No, no. It's okay. I was just wondering because I didn't ask him." I turn on the radio so we can sit without talking for a bit. I close my eyes and take a deep breath because even if Ben is there it'll be okay, because he's still my best friend. I should trust that nothing is going to go wrong. Rachel tells me all the fun things she has planned for us and my unease goes down because really, it's a day at the beach, it can't be that bad. She flips through the radio stations and lands on Party in the USA. She smiles at me with a knowing look and as soon as she starts the chorus we both sing along.

"I put my hands up, they're playin my song the butterflies fly away! I'm noddin' my head like, yeah, Movin' my hips like, yeah," We sing in unison. We giggle and dance in our seats and I feel more free than I have felt in the last week. We both put down our windows and as the breeze blows through my hair I know there's not that much to be worried about. I need to clam down. Live a little.

"I got my hands up, they're playin' my song
They know I'm gonna be okay!" I grab onto her hand and she grabs onto mine. "It's a party in the USA!" We sing while the car whips our hair around our smiling faces.