Better Kept Secret

chapter 32

"What did you think you were doing, leaving without telling me? You could have died in a ditch and I would have never known. Who were these people?" My mom rambles on while pacing the tiny space in our living room. I don't have it in me to argue or defend myself because really, she's telling the truth. I did try to leave without telling. I was going to sneak out to a party at the beach where I could have 'died in a ditch', as my mom put it.

"Please stop," I hear myself say. I didn't really think when I spoke, it just slipped out, but I don't think my mom even heard.

Does she even notice me right now, or is she too stuck in her head?

I challenge that idea when I get up off the couch and walk to my room. She doesn't stop pacing, or stop me.

My bed hugs me with a creak as I jump onto it, sinking into the scratchy material. I throw off my jeans and put on pajamas quickly before snuggling into bed again. Imagines of Ben's surprised face keep flashing in my mind. I always try to keep my home life at home, away from my friends and away from school, but so much of it was just exposed tonight. People I just met tonight saw into my world where the walls are dirtier than they should be and where my room is smaller than all of theirs. Most importantly though, they saw a glimpse at my unstable mother.

Ben saw that.

He saw. He saw. He saw.

He has questions. All his old questions have new meanings.

I desperately want to fall asleep, because I'm so emotionally drained. So I let myself go there, taking large deep breaths anytime  Ben or anything else comes to my mind. No time to dwell when I so awfully want to sleep. After a while, I put on headphones blasting whoever is on my playlist to silence out own thoughts.

Clatters and heavy foot steps echo in my head, but I continue to sleep, barely stirring. Sleep and the soft pillow against my head call to me louder than the sounds outside my room. The sounds of soft feminine voices pulling me into the music and sleep drown everything out.

✦ ─ ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ ─ ✦

The sheets feel so warm and soft, this morning, making dragging myself out of bed not an easy task, as it always isn't, the reason I'm late so often. I walk to the bathroom with my eyes half closed, then do my regular morning ritual.

The water I splash on my face feels cool like metal, and I rub some into my eyes. I look into the mirror and raccoon eyes look back at me. I also notice the shelf behind me, which has multiple things knocked down from it.

After putting them up right again, I leave the room to get dressed and see if my mom's awake, but with my eyes fully open I notice the disarray in the hall. Boxes and clothes litter the floor. For a minute, it makes me scared that someone broke in last night, but then I remember the running around my mother did while I was sleeping last night and chalk it up to that. But taking a step deeper down the hall I see more junk. Everywhere. Suddenly something feels not right. Like I have shifted, tilted sideways, and something is wrong.

Something is wrong.

My breathing comes quicker.

My whole living room is tilted, sideways it seems. As well as my mother, who lays on the floor with her eyes open.

The room is a world wind of mess. Cushions on the floor. Boxes from the closet thrown open and dumped out. The coffee table flipped over. Our bags, all contents dumped onto the ground and toppled over. I can barely take a step forward.

"Mom," I say firmly. She pushes herself upright, looking at the mess that surrounds her with a barely there expression.

"Mom," I say again but this time my voice cracks. She stands up, shakes her head, and starts walking towards me.