Better Kept Secret

chapter 9

The sun shines through the windows in the morning, cracking my eyelids open with its intense light. We drifted closer together in the night, with Ben basically spooning me awkwardly. His arm is around my waist, trapping me and pulling me close. The places where our skin touch prickles, and I hate it but love it at the same time. I want to fall into his skin, curl in deeper, because of the feeling of tingles as we touch. But the feeling is almost itchy too, almost overwhelming enough to make me squirm.

This is a weird position for two platonic friends to be in, right? The way he sets my skin on fire is weird I know it is.

"Ben," I say. "Wake up." He shakes his head a bit and moans. His limp and heavy body still doesn't move, so I kick the back of my foot into his shin.

"Hey," he says groggily, shifting, his arm moving to touch more of me. "Let's just sleep in a little longer." He snuggles into his sheets.

"Well, you've trapped me. Let me out." Ben opens his eyes a bit and looks at how we're positioned.

"Oh. My bad." I swear I see his cheeks get pink as he moves away from me. He closes his eyes again to go back to sleep, and I look at the slopes of his face. I've never really noticed just how beautiful he is. My whole life I knew girls thought Ben was cute, little girls having a crush on him all of our elementary school days. And I saw him that way too, aware that he was handsome and could make girls knees turn to jello. Looking at him now though, I see all his beauty. I mean, he doesn't look girly or anything, but there's no other way to describe him than beautiful.

I notice his long lashes, prettier than mine with mascara (unfair), and the mole on his cheek. The way his face is pieced together to be more than just a man on the cover of a romance book, but to be... different, so wonderfully different. His big nose that he hates and his strong brows fitting together like a puzzle to make something perfect. I look at a curl of his brown hair dangling over his forehead and want to touch it. I look at the soft curve of his lips and want to kiss them.

With a pang in my heart, I realize that I like him a lot more than I thought. No one's face has made my heart thump like Ben's does. No one but Ben's jokes have made me more than just laugh, but feel a flicker in my chest. There is no silly, stupid crush anymore. I'm totally in love with Ben. My best friend.

I turn away, feeling like I'm going to be sick. Ben's the one person who makes me feel like everything is normal, why do I need to ruin that? I look at his face again and know that I must keep this buried deep down. It would ruin our friendship and I don't want to hurt Ben. Plus, I already know that he doesn't want me. Just last night he told me he saw me as a sister.

I can keep it in that I like him, it's just one more secret.

✦ ─ ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ ─ ✦

I ate lunch at Ben's house and I played with his sister for a bit, but I couldn't stay for long. I was too anxious after what I had realized in the morning. I told him I had things to do and that my mom was expecting me home so I couldn't stay longer.

"We never finished our show though. It's a long weekend, can't I just come over to your house?" He asks me as I collect my belongings from his room.

"I don't think that's the best idea." I continue packing as quickly as I can. It isn't like we ever really used to spend a lot of time at my place, but we used to go there sometimes at least. It's been months since he's been inside my apartment.

"Why? I haven't been to your house in forever. Is this about what happened with my mom last night?"

"No, I promise it's not. I'm already over that. It's just hard to make time, plus my apartment is so small."