Better Kept Secret

chapter 21

We both pull away, my brain still foggy from his kisses.

"Ben..." I whisper not knowing what to do next.

"Mmhm," he says his eyes still on my lips.

"Did you mean what you said?"

"Of course I did." I feel sheepish all of a sudden, the gravity of the fact that we kissed coming to the forefront of my mind. I chew on my lip some more and look out at the water crashing onto the sand.

"Ben, have you thought about that before?"

"About what?" He says while tracing patterns with his fingertips on my arm.

"Um. K-kissing me," I mumble and he immediately laughs a deep laugh.

"Oh Win, I've thought about this for a long time."

"Really?" My shock is genuine. Not once in my life have I thought to myself, maybe Ben likes me.q

"Of course." My brows knit further in confusion so I continue on.

"Since when?"

He looks at the ground sheepishly, them back up to me. "Middle school."

"Middle school?!"

"We had a sleepover and we were watching a movie. It was late. I couldn't focus on the movie, because I couldn't stop looking at you. The way the glow from the TV reflected onto you and your hair being messy from playing outside... it made nervous. I realized that you're the prettiest girl I've ever seen." My eyes widen. What he's saying doesn't make any sense to me. It doesn't fit in with the logical order of my life as Elowyn Smith, a girl who's best friend has definitely not liked her since middle school. He continues, "You couldn't tell? I tried to hide it, but I thought somehow you knew and you didn't say anything because you didn't feel the same way." I can't breathe for a second, because I realize both my heart and my brain believe the words pouring from his mouth.

"I-I I don't know what I thought. I mean, I thought it had never crossed your mind so I tried to ignore it."

"Well we don't have to ignore it anymore," he says while pulling me closer and then tucking my hair behind my ear.

"Are you sure? Do you really want this?"

"It's all I've ever wanted." A warmth spreads though my chest at everything he's revealed to me. A silly grin spreads across my face because all that matters is this moment. I'm sure once I'm home all the reasons this couldn't be true will take over my mind, but as of right now there's no anxiety.

"Hey, do you have to be home at a certain time?" I say to him.

"My mom's been texting me but I haven't checked," Ben says as he removes his arms from me to pull his phone out of his pocket.

"She knows you stayed at mine, right?" His silence answers me. I slap his arm. "Ben! She's going to be so mad."

"I know. Should I check what she said?" I nod yes and he opens all her texts, reading them with wide eyes. He tells me he has to call her and walks to the tree for some privacy. I take a deep breath in and I still don't believe anything that's happening right now. My fingertips brush my lower lip that's still tingling from his kiss and I poke and pull on it. I notice suddenly that the wind is blowing heavily creating goose bumps on my arms. I wrap my arms around myself, missing the warmth of Ben's body being close to mine.

I hear his feet crunching on the sand as he approaches me.

"My mom's pretty mad so she wants me home right now. I'll drive you back to your house, okay?" His eyes are wide and he looks like he's expecting me to be angry which makes me want to laugh. How could I be angry at him after this afternoon?

"Okay. Are you sure you have to go home now?" He bites the inside of his cheek and sighs.

"Ya, I'm sorry. You'll meet me at school tomorrow though, right?" I nod my head and follow him away from our spot on the beach, making sure to take the car keys and towel this time. We hop into the car quickly and he starts it up, taking us away from the beautiful beach and the afternoon that feels like it's changed everything for me.

✦ ─ ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ ─ ✦

After Ben dropped me off, I went to take a shower. Sand falls from my body as the hot streams hit me. I stand under the water for a long time, feeling my muscles relax. It's still playing over and over in my mind. The kiss. Ben and I's kiss. And I just want to do it again, over and over again. I hope he's thinking about it the way I am, that he loved every second of it despite my lack of experience. He's the first boy I've ever kissed, if you don't count Mark. I definitely don't count Mark because I didn't want that. I shake my head and rid my thoughts of Mark. I don't want the reminder of him to taint my memories of kissing Ben.

When I step out of the shower, I wrap myself in a soft, white towel but allow my hair to hang down my back. I wipe the steam off of the mirror above the sink and gaze in. The girl I see is different from who I saw when I looked in the mirror a month ago. In some ways, I look brighter, more alive. My face is flush and my eyes are glimmering. Happiness is evident on my face as well and I feel like it's all because of what Ben and I shared. In other ways, I look worse. Lines of tiredness on my face are deeper and more evident, and my under eye bags seem more harsh.

The longer I stare, the more I see my father. I look a lot like him, which isn't every teenage girl's favourite thing to hear. You look like you're middle aged, balding, dad! Definitely not an amazing compliment but it isn't the reason why my insides hurt all of a sudden. I don't feel ugly. When I see his bright blue eyes and nose on my face, I feel pretty but am also reminded of my dad and how much I miss him. I try not to think about my dad very often because every time I do, it still feels like a punch to the gut. The wound still feels fresh.

My dad loved Ben. My mom did too, or maybe she still does. I'm not sure what she cares about anymore. I feel a pull to go check on her. I feel like I should tell her about Ben and I. Maybe it would make her happy. But quickly I come to my senses and realize that isn't the best idea.

After getting dressed I do end up walking to her room. I walk in to find her asleep. Her sheets are crumpled so I straighten them out then sit down beside her.

"Hi mom," I whisper.

"Elowyn," she says and her voice sounds strained. I think about what our life would be like if our relationship was normal. Maybe I would tell her that there's a guy I like and all about my fears about being with him. But our relationship isn't normal, so I lay there cuddling myself watching the rise and fall of her chest while hoping that maybe tomorrow she'll get out of bed.