Better Kept Secret

chapter 28

Walking through school today, the day after my blow up at Mark, I'm filled with a feeling that I'm being watched. It does bother me and I'm not over it, but there's also not a lot I can do. The worst has already happened. The bandaid has already been ripped off.

While sitting in class I hear the familiar hushed voices of Mary and her friend, the girl who questioned me about Mark just a couple days ago. She taps on my shoulder, just like the last time. This is giving me serious déjà vu.

"I heard from Jacklyn who heard from Austin, who was actually there, what you said to Mark. Is it true? If it is, I'm so sorry!" She babbles quickly and beside her friend nods along. She says more as I watch her friends head go up and down, up and down, but the words just travel in one ear and out the other. For the first time today, I'm actually overwhelmed. Biting my lip, wringing my hands, stuttering type of overwhelmed.

"Um," I say and nothing comes out afterword.

Mary continues, making hand gestures and looking at me sympathetically, "Well I know I said Mark was cute but if what you said was true that totally ruins his cute factor. Like, I mean-"

"Oh hush!" Her friend says, cutting her off. "She's nervous, can't you tell?" I open and close my mouth like a fish, trying to say something but nothings coming out. What do they want from me? The details of how he forced himself on me? The sound of the bell saves me again and I sprint out of that classroom faster than you can say, 'yes it is true'.

I need Ben. I want to hear his deep voice, feel a reassuring squeeze, or even just see his face. When I reach our lockers, he's right where he's supposed to be, leaning against his locker smiling. But there's someone beside him. Gloria. And she has his hand on his bicep, giggling. I can't lie, my jealousy takes over my emotions from class. Sure, we're not official per se, but that doesn't make seeing them together any less weird. I thought he was done with her. He said I had him. He said he wanted me.

"Ben," I say as I approach them slowly. The look on his face makes me even more uneasy, because he looks uncomfortable and like he doesn't know what to do. Ben always knows what to do, he always has everything under control. His eyebrows are threaded together and his smile has vanished into a thin line. I can hear Gloria talking to me, probably saying some stupid snide comment but all I'm focusing on is the fact that Ben looks very guilty.

"Is something going on?" I ask.

"No, uh Gloria was just asking me about homework." He scratches the back of his neck and looks away. Ben is never like this. He always meets my eyes with no nervousness.

"I'm going to the bathroom. Will you wait for me here?" I ask, cocking my head to the side, avoiding the harsh gaze of Gloria.

"Go ahead. We weren't done talking anyway," Gloria says with a hand on her hip. So I walk away, anxiety replacing my confusion. I wait for a free stall while picking at my lip. The bathroom gossipers whisper as they see me, either sending a look of disgust or sympathy. My assault on my lip gets worse and I taste blood but don't stop. The sensation of my teeth biting at the skin doesn't feel good. It probably doesn't calm me either, but I can't stop because the sting feels necessary.

When there's finally a free stall, I use it and then just stay in it for a minute to calm my breathing. After washing my hands, I leave the bathroom. I straighten my back and stand as tall as I can, trying to show that I can be the confident girl that told off Mark, not the girl who nearly has a panic attack in a washroom full of people. My shoulders immediately slump though as I look at the sight in front of me. Gloria's still there. They're still chatting. Ben's eyes meet mine and he smiles. He smiles like he's completely forgot about Gloria and everyone else in the hallway, and I melt even though I know I shouldn't. Focus, Elowyn. He was looking seriously guilty minutes ago.

He takes my hand when I reach them and says goodbye to Gloria quickly, pulling me outside of he building while I ask him what he's doing.

"Sorry about that."

"About what? What was going on?" This time he meets my eyes and breathes out deeply.

"I promise nothing was going on, I just didn't know how to say that in the moment without embarrassing Gloria."

"Embarrassing her? What?"

"She was trying to get me to go out with her. But I told her I'm seeing someone else," he says with a smirk.

"Me, right?"

He chuckles while throwing an arm around my shoulder. "Yes you Winnie! Who else would I be talking about?"

"I don't know, I guess... I don't know. Sorry, I'm just kind of flustered from the Mark thing."

"Don't worry about him. He's not going to bother you again."

"What do you mean by that?" Ben just smiles. Looking around, I can see that all the students in the school are focusing on themselves, not me. Any look I got today was probably just a simple glance, like any other day, but my brain won't ever let me believe that. In reality though, I know no one really cares about me or what I do, so I quickly give Ben a peck on the lips, not caring who saw.

"If you're seeing me does that mean your my, y'know..."

"You're what?" He says cooly.

It's too late to back out now. "Boyfriend," I blurt. His eyes light like how they did in the hall, his smile stretching further.

"If that's what you want me to be."

"That's what I want," I reply, trying to be as firm as I can.

"Okay then. Suits me just fine," he kisses me on the cheek, "girlfriend."

✦ ─ ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ ─ ✦

After school, I'm quite giddy with Ben declaring me his girlfriend, and also that I'm going out with my mom.

"Are you sure you'll be fine?" I ask her for the millionth time. My mom not only has barely left her bedroom in the past three years, but also hasn't left the house in a year. Not even stepped a foot out of apartment, let alone actually walked the streets.

"I am okay Elowyn," she says sharply. So I grab her arm and open the door fast, so she can't back out. I leave our apartment everyday, but stepping out right now feels so hard. Gathering all the courage I have, I lead her outside.

Her breathing because shallow, her hands shaking slightly. Signs of anxiety, just like mine. But I reassure her she'll be okay, that we'll both be okay silently. We take small, slow steps out of the apartment and when finally leaving the building she grinds her teeth.

"You okay?" I ask while squeezing her arm.

"Stop asking me that. I'm perfectly capable, and always have been." I bite my tongue from saying that she has not been capable of anything actually. I understand why she's in a sour mood. This is a big deal for her.

When we step out into the fresh summer air she looks like she's about to cry. My eyes start watering too, because forever I had hoped that she would get up and move on, and now she actually is. It's unbelievable, but it's happening right infront of me.

We walk silently to a small bakery just at the end of the road and order coffee, croissants, and brownies. We sit outside while eating them and the moment is unbelievable perfect. Hopefully we can go out more often now.

My mom seems to be looking more comfortable, her eyes still a little glazed over and she constantly rubs her wedding ring, but she also looks brighter than she has in a very long time. I've got a boyfriend and a mom now. I sigh contentedly.