Better Kept Secret

chapter 18

"Be quiet. My mom's sleeping," I say to Ben as I unlock the door to my apartment. My palms are sweating because this is the first time he's come to my home in forever. We tiptoe in quitely, the floorboards squeaking a bit. The microwave clock stands out in the darkness reading 12:14. All the lights are off so I grab his wrist to lead him through the darkness to the washroom.

"Can you turn on a light," he says but I just shush him. We creep towards the bathroom and slowly, I push open the door, making sure there's nothing he shouldn't see on the counter.

"Okay. Sit on the counter or something." I rummage through the cabinet under the sink, finding bandaids and alcohol. Ben hops up onto the sink counter with his feet dangling off the edge. He looks around, probably wondering why everything seems so much more bleek then when he was last here. That's what I'm thinking about.

"Man, it really has been so long since I've been here. I like you're apartment. You should invite me over more often." He's being sweet, but he doesn't't have to lie. It's nothing compared to his house and I know that it looks like shit. We practically look like hoarders with the mess in the hall.

Still rummaging, I say, "But your house is so much better to hang out at. And I don't like to bother my mom. She's always very busy." The lie slips easily from my lips.

"How is she?"

"She's fine. Busy, like I said, but fine." I can see the doubt in the creases around his eyes but I ignore him, as I do all issues regarding my mom.

After gathering everything I set it down and step towards him, assessing the damage Mark did to his face. My hands reach up to touch his face, but I stop myself.

"Jeez, this looks like it hurts." He grunts in response. He's tall already and the counter makes his face even harder to reach. For some reason that fact that he's so much taller than me is making me nervous. My shaking hands drop the bandaids and I mutter curse words under my breath. His eyes stay locked on me as I gather them from the floor and get everything ready. I look up at him nervously through my lashes and I see his Adam's apple bob as he swallows. He looks almost nervous too, although he has no reason to be. But the twitch in his fingers and red cheeks tell a different story then the usually calm Ben.

"O-okay. I'll start with the cut on your nose." I curse myself for stuttering, showing that I'm nervous. Being close to him never used to make me nervous but now it fills me up with butterflies. "This will probably sting." I place some of the alcohol on a cotten pad and then gently dab at the nasty gash. He makes a noise of pain and jumps a little.

I giggle. "You're such a baby."

He laughs and I feel his hot breath on my hand. "No I'm not. If I were I wouldn't have gotten in the fight in the first place." His leg begins bouncing up and down.

"If you were smart you wouldn't have gotten in the fight," I say while getting another cotton ball.

"I'm sorry I had to make a big deal out of it," he says earnestly. "I just couldn't hold in my anger. I mean that little fucker thought he could-" I cut him off by placing a hand on his shoulder and chuckle.

"It's okay Ben. I'll get over it," I say, but I'm not sure if I mean it. I wipe off the dried blood on his cheek and his nose starts bleeding slowly again. "Shit your nose is bleeding again. Here," I hand him a cloth. "Hold this against it."

"Yes doc." He says with a smile. I slap his leg for his sarcasm.

"Don't get blood on my counter Piglet," I warn. The dried sand and blood on his skin wipe away with a swipe of a wet cloth against his cheek and the cotton ball. The sticky bandaid wrapper peels off easily and I unwrap the bandaid and place it over his cheek. His leg continues to bounce up and down on the counter, a nervous twitch. "Stay still," I say while placing a hand on his leg to stop it from moving.

I stick the bandaid to his cheek and smooth it out making sure the wound is fully covered. He continues to watch me but not my hands as I work, just studying my face. The only sound in this tiny room is our breath and the buzz of the bathroom light. The air around is thick and I feel this tension surrounding us, making me take shallow breathes. His gaze still burns into my skin and my eyes travel from his cuts to his deep blue eyes slowly. They feel like magnets, begging me to look at him. He looks at me with his sleepy, half closed eyes huskily and our faces inches apart.

I want to close the gap. Reach for him, hold his face in my hands and kiss his soft lips, but I know it's wrong. So we just continue to stare at each other breathing shallowly. His eyes flick down to my lips for half a second, so quickly that maybe I just imagined it.

"I think you're all better now," I say, my voice coming out weaker and more strained than I wanted.

"Thanks," Ben says while finally looking away. He clears his throat. "Where should I sleep tonight?"

My room is a mess but he would be more likely to run into mom in the living room.

"Just sleep in my bed. We're both exhausted and I don't have the energy to set up blankets on the couch. Some of your old shirts and stuff are still in my closet if you want to change."

When we get into my room I quickly kick some of my junk under the bed to make it at least a little less embarrassing. I wonder what it's like to see this dump from his eyes. The closet is where I throw anything that I don't usually wear, including some of Ben's old clothes. They might not fit him perfectly but at least it's something other than a bathing suit.

"Take this," I say while throwing his Spider Man t-shirt at him.

"Hey, I've missed this shirt," he says.

"And this." I throw a pair of grey sweat pants at his chest. "Change in here. I'll get us a snack and some water." It's basically just an excuse to get away from him for a second because the weird interaction in the bathroom has left me feeling like jello.

I get some lucky charms and water for both of us, which we deserve after the long day we've had. I leave him a long enough time to change and then finally head into my room again.

"Bon appetit!" I say while placing them on my beside table. He immediately puts a spoonful in his mouth, smiling.

"I'm starving Winnie. This is perfect," he groans and I laugh. Now I just have to search for some half decent pajama without holes to wear. I pick up clothes off the floor, smelling to make sure they're not too rancid. Ben breaks our into laughter.

"Don't laugh at me!"

"You're gross, you know that?" He laughs.

"I'm working on it!" I pick out a lavender shirt from my dresser and some pajama pants that were on the floor. "Turn around," I say and he obediently turns to face the wall. I quickly strip out of my bathing suit and into the PJs but when I turn around my heart drops. I realize you can see my shadow on the wall, an outline of my body. God, I hope he didn't notice or look at the outline of my curves on the wall.

I sit down on the bed and the red hue in his cheeks tells me he must have noticed. I don't say anything though, just quickly gulp down the cereal. Because really what can I say? I'm can't be like, hey where you watching my shadow as I changed?

Can today get any more stressful?

We both finish our food pretty quickly and get under the covers.

"Goodnight," he whispers and I drift off immediately, unlike most days because I'm so exhausted. For now, I don't have to think about anything that happened today. Just sleep.