Better Kept Secret

chapter 3

"OH MY GOD!" Rachel squeals while running up to me after school. I'm sitting at the bench in front of the school, tying my shoe laces. I've been wearing Ben's shirt all day, happy for it's coverage but mad about the heat. My cheeks redden again as I think of the incident, even though it's not really a big deal. I just feel like he saw me in a way that he never sees me and I'm embarrassed.

"Woah. What happened Rach?" I laugh. Claire stands beside her with a grin on her face too, looking at me expectantly.

"What happened? You tell us!" She says while she grabs my hand to pull me off the bench. We begin walking towards her place, where we go after school to do homework and hang out.

"I seriously have no idea what you're talking about." Rachel and Claire look at each other confused.

"You're wearing his shirt. We thought... we thought that meant, you know." Rachel starts, but looks too nervous to say the rest.

"We thought that meant you and Ben are together," Claire finishes for her. I swear I hear her mumble, finally, under her breath too.

"W-what? Why would you think that?" I say flustered. I can feel my cheeks heating up, as they do every time someone asks if Ben and I are dating, which happens more than you would think.

Ben and I don't look alike at all. He's got dark fluffy hair and tan skin, while I have light hair and skin that burns easily. He's got these low set eyebrows, framing his dark brown eyes. Sometimes his eyes make me scared, but most of the time, they just make him look beautiful. They're the opposite of my hazel eyes, which are big and round. So no one ever assumes we're siblings. If we go out to eat, the waiter always thinks we're on a date. By now, you would think I'm used to people calling us a couple but for some reason it still makes my stomach drop.

"Because of the shirt. Why else would you be wearing it? And it's about time that you guys labeled it," says Rachel. Labeled it? How many times have I told the girls that there isn't anything to label? Can a guy and a girl not just be friends?

I look down at the pavement as we walk forward to hide my embarrassment. "Rachel, I promise you, there is nothing to 'label'. I just needed to borrow a shirt."

The pinch in her pink lips tell me sje doesn't by it, but Rachel's never been the tyoe of girl to push me if I'm not comfortable.

"Whatever you say."

"You can't blame us for thinking it. I mean, you haven't even had your first kiss, let alone a boyfriend. It's about time," Claire says. My face gets redder and I become acutely aware of how the tag in his shirt is scratching me, and how the sun is burning my skin, all making me more uncomfortable. This is how I get when I'm in a situation which makes me feel nervous. Aware of everything that's annoying me and my anxiety bubbles up.

And then I start stuttering.

"I don't want a-a b-boyfriend," I respond. Maybe that's a little bit of a lie. I certainly wouldn't mind one, but I'm not looking for one. "I'm not embarrassed that I haven't kissed someone either, so stop bringing it up," I squeak out. I've never felt like I'm behind because I haven't been kissed. I shouldn't, right? I'm sure lots of 16 year olds still haven't kissed anyone.

Claire looks at me with concern on her face and I can tell she knows I'm upset. "I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean it in a mean way. I just meant that maybe it would be fun if you had a boyfriend. I think it would be good to get out of your shell."

I chuckle gently, but I still feel uneasy. "Maybe your right." My teeth tug at my bottom lip as I bite it nervously.

"You know Elowyn, we'll accept you if you're a lesbian. We'll love you no matter what," says Rachel innocently. Claire and I both burst in to laughter.

This is why I love these girls, because they can make me laugh like no one else and suddenly my anxiety disappears.

"Trust me, she's not a lesbian. Remember the year long Dylan O'Brien obsession she had?" We both crack up thinking about how serious it was. I've probably seen Maze Runner more times than anyone else because of it. Maybe I should rewatch it again this weekend. I've missed Dylan.

"I have an idea. Why don't you come to the party at Jake's this Friday? Y'know to," she pokes me, "get out of your shell."

"I don't know..." It's not like I'm lonely or that I'm looking for a boyfriend. I have books in place of real romance. It would be good to go out and experience regular teenager things though.

"C'mon! It will be so fun. Everyone's going," Rachel says while giving me puppy eyes. "It would be good for you to socialize a little more."

Maybe this is what I need. And it would get me out of the house, which is something I definitely want.

"Okay, I'll come."

"Yay! We'll have so much fun and you can come get ready at my house beforehand and..." Rachel continues to bubble, clearly very excited.

I'm happy that I made her happy. It always feels good to bring joy to my friends. Am I still nervous? Yes. But who knows, I could have a lot of fun. And it's probably better for my mental state than staring at Dylan O'Brien's biceps for the millionth time.

✦ ─ ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ ─ ✦