Better Kept Secret

chapter 12

Immediately I'm nervous as the car continues to follow me down the road. My mind immediately goes to the worst thing possible, Oh my god, am I going to get kidnapped the one night I walk alone in the dark?

I pick up my pace and the grey car honks. I turn towards it and see a teenage boy sitting in the front seat. He rolls down his window and I realize with relief that it's Mark and not some kidnapper. I shouldn't be too relieved though because it's still Mark.

"Mark. You scared me for the second time today," I say with a laugh. He grins.

"Sorry. I just saw you walking alone and thought I should offer you a ride." I take a minute to think. It would be nice to get a ride but I don't really know him.

"I'm no-not too far from where I live. It's only like a five minute walk," I respond as an excuse.

"I won't take no for an answer. Come on. You shouldn't be out here alone." I look out at the street in the night and back at him, in a comfortable, safe, car.

"Okay fine," I say as I hop into the passenger seat. It smells strongly of Cologne but not like Ben's. More like Axe Body Spray.

"So where do you live?" He asks while out the carbon drive.

"You know the apartments on Forest St?" He nods looking at me judgmentally. "In those."

"You live there?" I nod. I have a prickly feeling from the way he said there, like it's crazy that I live in that shithole. "Those aren't a five minute walk from here," he adds while raising an eyebrow at me. We pull away from the side of the street and towards my home.

"Okay, I admit. I lied. I just didn't want to be a burden." My cheeks get red because I've gotten caught in a lie to avoid him. There's a weird feeling throughout the car, a tension in the air.

"You're not a burden. And tell me if you ever need a ride again." I smile at him. We sit in the car in silence as we twist down the road to where I live. I pick at my hang nails as the radio hums in the background and I'm not sure what to say next. I keep catching him giving me glances in the rearview mirror.

"I thought you were going to the party?" I say as the realization dawns on me.

"I decided I didn't want to go without you."

Finally, we arrive but he pulls up into the parking lot across the street.

"Well, thanks for the ride," I say to him.

"You're not going to give me a hug?" He says with a laugh. No, I wasn't planning on it. I nervously laugh because I don't really want to hug but he keeps his hands out. Finally I give in and give him a side hug, but he pulls me closer. All I smell is his body spray and I feel like I can't escape his grip. He continues to hold on and his hands drift lower down my body. I can't help the small shriek that escapes my lips as I try to wiggle free.

"Calm down," he says while putting his head in the crook of my neck. Oh no, is he trying to kiss me? I don't want my first kiss to be with him.

"I hav-have to-to go," I stutter out while trying to pull away. But he keeps pushing, putting his hands underneath my shirt. I freeze as I feel his cold hands touching my skin. My heart is pounding and everything inside of me is telling me to run but my body won't move.

"Just stay still baby," he says causing bile to rise in my throat. I feel so sick and so frozen. So scared that I can't move. It's like my brain is short circuiting and so overwhelmed that I can't do anything. He kisses my neck and his hand touches my breast causing me to jump.

"Stop!" I scream while trying to push him off, but he weighs a lot more than me and is a lot stronger. He gropes me hard, his slimy finger squeezing and squishing any part of my skin that he can reach. When his hand reaches for my bra strap I push him as hard as I can.

"What are you doing?" I shout as I break free from his grasp. We're both left panting at opposite ends of the car. I scramble for the handle to get out quickly though, and run out of his car to my apartment.

As soon as I'm inside my home, tears start pouring down my face. I've never really been scared like that before. What if I stayed frozen... What if he hadn't stopped? I slide down my door as tears rack my body. For a second I thought he was just a nice guy. Giving me a ride home, saying he didn't want to go to the party without me. I should've never accepted the offer of a ride home from him. He's practically a stranger, he's a teenage boy. Of course he was expecting me to do something with him.

It gets harder to breathe and my breaths start becoming shorter. I lay on the floor in fetal position, feeling my first panic attack in over a year come. I first started getting them when my dad died, but I've been doing really well recently. My chest hurts like hell as I wheeze and struggle to suck in breaths. My eyes are blinded by tears and with shaky hands I cradle my head. I try my hardest to regulate my breath, sucking in deeply but nothing calms the awful wave of anxiety going through me.

When the panic attack finally subsides, I want my mother desperately. I want someone to tell me it's going to be okay, even though I know she won't be able to do that. I force myself to get off the floor to go to her room. When I open the door she is lying in the bed with the lights off.

"Mama?" I say while hugging myself with my arms. She continues to state blankly into the distance. "I really need you."

She turns a bit in her bed and mumbles something groggily. She's feeling worse today, I can tell. So I don't push to talk to her more. I just climb into bed beside her and try to fall asleep. I wish desperately that for once she would notice me and I feel lonelier than I have ever felt.

My skin feels unclean in all the places he touched me. And then I feel guilty because I was just so much luckier than millions of other girls have been. He didn't even kiss me on the lips.

I feel awful all night long. 'Is it not really a big deal?', is running through my mind and I can't fall asleep. Am I overreacting? Will he leave me alone after today?

Will he tell people or will it just become another dirty little secret?

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Authors note

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I forgot when I last posted even though I have chapters ready to be published.

Do u guys think I should start posting than one chapter at once?