Better Kept Secret

chapter 23

I don't want to kiss out in the open, especially since there are kids just a bit away running around, but Ben's full lips are calling me. We're sitting in the grass, the sound of kids playing loud and the breeze subtle. I look at Ben's profile. His nose and jaw is sharp and, for some reason, his eyebrows are scrunched. Maybe protecting his eyes from the sun. My eyes settle on his lips and the urge to press my mouth to his takes over again. Feeling my stare, Ben looks over to me while raising his eyebrows and I turn quickly so my face is facing the ground. My stare is now intently focused on my hands clasped in my lap, just because it feels weird to stare at him.

I feel his hand hovering over my neck, making my skin prickle. It's funny, even though I've known him forever he still makes me nervous. The hairs on the back of my neck stand as I feel his two fingers lightly brush the skin above my dress. His ring finger slowly traces a line from there, the base of my neck, all the way to the nape of my neck. I shiver, feeling vulnerable in some way. His hand settles, his fingers gently scratching my hair. I don't move my gaze from my lap partially because for some reason, I feel embarrassed, and because I don't want the light scratching that feels so good to stop. But eventually it does because his hand moves through my hair to my chin, his finger tracing my jaw. He cups my jaw and pulls my head up to face him.

I know he can tell I'm nervous. That he makes me nervous. The gentle sweep of his thumb on my cheek doesn't stop though and his already always sleepy looking eyes become smaller as his eyes eye lids droop. I swallow and he watches my neck, then drags his eyes up to mine.

"Why are you always so anxious?" He whispers. I blink quickly and unexpectedly I feel a bit of moisture in my eyes but I have no idea why.

"I-I'm not," I say while shrugging.

His lip tilts upwards. "She says while stuttering." I roll my eyes, then meet his eyes again. My heart is pumping so fast, so hard, and I just want to close this distance. It only takes a couple of seconds of uncertainty for me to finally do what I've been wanting to do this whole time. I kiss him hard, melting into his touch, not thinking about that there might be people in the park. He does the same, cupping my face tightly and kissing me more desperately than on the beach.

He pulls away looking at me with a grin. "I really do love fun with you," he says playfully, referencing his 'code word'.

"You're so stupid," I say, laughing. "C'mon, let's go on the swings." Ben smiles excitedly like a little kid and I have to refrain from kissing him again. We quickly jog to the swings and try to go higher than each other, just like when we were little.

Ben used to have one of those little playground structures in his backyard with two swings attached. We used to pretend we were on a mission, or pirates, or spies, or something like that for hours on his play structure. When we played pirates, he would 'walk the plank', the plank being the top of the swings, the wood the connected them to the play structure. I would always get so scared and yell at him to come down, terrified that my best friend was going to fall and, well, die, because that's what I thought would happen when I was little. And what would I do without my best friend? Who would be there for me? Anyway, that's always how are relationship has been. Him adventurous and daring, and me anxiously yelling at him to be safe. I used to wonder often if my anxiety bothered him, which in turn would just make me more anxious.

I've always been the nervous person I am today but it was worse when my dad died. After a lot of hard work in speech therapy, my stutter was completely gone but when my dad passed it came back in full, which is why I still sometimes stutter now. Before his death, my anxiety was never bad enough to have a panic attack, but after, they came regularly. There was one time I had gotten one because Ben was walking the plank. My chest heaved up and down as I told him to get down. My hands shook as it got harder and harder to breathe and tears clouded my vision. After realizing what was happening, he climbed down and kept telling me he was sorry, guilt threading through his voice. Eventually he wrapped me up into a hug and the panic attack subsided but I was still shaken up. I knew he felt guilty even though he shouldn't, but I still left his house because I was so overwhelmed. I feel bad thinking about the way I just left him probably standing there with so many questions. All I was thinking about was what would happen if he did fall? If I lost him just like I lost my dad, how would I survive? My dad died in a car accident, so it happened quickly with no warning. That could happen with any of the people I loved. They could be gone, just like that, with no warning.

Looking over at Ben now, I feel so filled with happiness that the fact that everyone at school is talking about me doesn't even matter. I hope that our feelings for each other don't come in the way of our friendship. I don't know what I would do without him. I'm worried this will ruin our relationship. That the kisses that we share that feel so right will just complicate things. I pump my legs harder and the swing carries me high into the sky, the wind blows my hair in all directions. God, I hope our relationship, although I'm sure I can't call it that yet, works out. I pray that it does so I'm not sitting alone one day with him gone, just like that, with no warning.

"Okay Winnie, we should probably head back to school now," he says, interrupting my thoughts. I hesitate before answering.

"I don't really want to go back to school."

"Why?" Ben says while I jump off the swing. He leads me away from the swing set, towards the trail that leads out of the park.

"Haven't you noticed people staring," I blurt out before thinking. I assume that since he hasn't brought it up, he doesn't know about the rumours Mark is spreading.

He pauses. "Ya, I did, but I thought most of it was in my head. I get it though, there was a fight, people are going to be interested. Why would they stare at you though? Mark and I were the ones who were fighting."

I realize with a bit of guilt but also a whole lot of relief that he's completely oblivious to the rumours. If he knew, he would be furious and I just can't deal with more drama. "Maybe I did just imagine people looking at me. Or maybe they're looking at me because we're friends," I say while shrugging. He hums in agreement and I pray that this rumour goes away after today because I really don't want Ben to know about it.