Carina:
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I shot up out of my slumber gasping for air and breaking out in a cold sweat.
Ok a little context for you, a little over a month ago there was a shooting at the hospital, no one died but load of people got injured including me but that not the point.
My point here is that I can't sleep peacefully because of that, I get just about three hours every night and extra hour if I'm with Maya and right now I ain't.
Maya is on a night shift until 7 AM and it's just gone half 12 and I went to bed at 10:45 ish so that's just about right with my time schedule.
I'm just so tired though, I've had just over 12 hours of sleep this last week and I'm tired I'm really tired and all I want to do is sleep but I can't.
All I want is Maya and I can't have her cause she's not here and my side of the bed is cold because I sleep on Maya's side when she's not here cause her pillow smells like her shampoo so it gives me that comfort I desperately need.
It's just not enough right now. I need Maya, I need to feel her and to know I'm safe because I am when I'm with her but she's not here so I feel everything but safe, my anxiety is above the ceiling, my hands are shaking, I'm finding it extremely hard to breathe correctly, my mind is racing with the "what if's" and the flashing of the memories of the shooting and hearing the gun shots and watching my colleagues getting traumatised and being held at gun point it's all just to much for me to handle.
I can feel the tears burning my eyes getting ready to fall but I didn't want that, I want Maya, I want..... no I need my wife.
Next thing I know I'm stood in the bathroom splashing cold water on my face trying to do something but I'm not 100 percent sure what.
It won't hurt to give her a ring, would it?
I think to myself
Surely not. I answered out loud
So I head back towards mine and Maya's bed and grab my phone.
I decided to just text cause if she is sleeping I don't want to risk waking her up.
: Maya??
That was all that I sent and I sat there to see if I got a response
Which didn't take long, not even 5 minutes after I got a reply.
My Bambina🩷: hey baby, why are you awake? Is everything ok? Xx
: yeah I'm fine, are you alone?
My Bambina🩷: yeah, why?
: can I call you?
After that I didn't get a message back and my phone started ringing.
Baby? She said after I accepted the call and that's all it took for the tears to break lose and I start to sob uncontrollably
Babe, what's wrong? Talk to me Carina. She says
I-I-I-I I can't make it stop Maya, it's too loud. I cried out.
Ok ok, can you take a deep breath for me princess? She asked
Ma-Maya? I broke out
I'm here I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere. It's just you and me baby. She says softly
She sat on the call helping me do the breathing exercises we've been through to many times, it's been that many I don't think there has been a number made for that amount of times.
I had another nightmare. I whispered after my breathing was back to normal ish.
Ohh bubba, I'm sorry.
How much sleep did you get tonight? She asked
