Brighter Than My Porch Light

Spotting the Elephant in the Room

The weekend sleepover turned into an entire week sleepover.

After a week of staying in, I decided to extend for another week. It's like I don't want to leave.

We're on her balcony with hot dark cacao drinks. I sat adjacent to her, our legs up on the other chairs.

I started feeling emotional looking at the horizon. Holding back my tears, I kept sipping my drink as if I could distract my mind.

"You know what they say, whenever you hold back your tears, you drown your heart," Seulgi said, staring at the beautiful horizon with me.

But I let the tears flow...

"I'm just holding her back, aren't I?" I said, referring to Jennie.

"Our misunderstandings are more frequent now. And I'm the cause why she's not accepting some projects. The brooding pain is getting deeper. It's like my subconscious mind knows something that I don't," I confessed.

"You're aware of what your subconscious mind keeps telling you; you just don't want to grasp that awful idea... that you know, something you thought was set in stone, is slowly slipping through your hands," she said, trying to compose herself not to cry with me.

She looked at her mug, her voice trembling as she felt my emotions too.

We watched the stars and talked about everything all night.

Sometimes, I miss the time when we were much more innocent and had ample free time.

***

I finally went home after my long sleepover with Seulgi. I need to prepare for the award show tonight. I miss my pad too; I need to clean and do chores. I'm sure dust has piled up in every corner.

Jennie would usually call me in the afternoon, but she didn't all week. I'm not in the mood to reach out after finding out her tour dates will overlap with my Jeju trip surprise.

We'll talk tonight.

Jennie and I arrived at the event together. She looks dazzling in her white backless silk dress. I felt odd arriving with her; the anticipation of something good happening between us wasn't here today.

We parted ways when we arrived; they had separate tables for performers and hosts.

Everyone still looked charming and fresh from start to finish. I didn't win the Best Actress award tonight; I wonder if Rosé was disappointed.

I'm not bothered when I don't win; it challenges me and helps me grow. Besides, this isn't what I'm focused on right now; it's Jennie.

Jennie and I are on our way to the after-party. She's been acting quite odd today.

"You've been distant all day; you're not even holding my hand," I said, turning towards her in the backseat of our car.

"What do you mean, we're okay," Jennie replied, not giving me that reassuring look this time; she didn't even glance at me. She adjusted her dress as she spoke.

"Can we talk like two grown-ups? There's an elephant in the room. Can you be mature for once?" I demanded; my tone flat as I sat stiffly.

I sometimes miss the fights with make-ups afterward; I miss the good times we shared. Especially being able to laugh and be silly with her, but it's long gone now.

"Mature? Is it maturity when you blab unnecessary information about us? I was the talk of the town this morning during the rehearsal. You told Yeri how chaotic we are, so she told people. So much for privacy, huh? And I had learned from other people... that you're doubting us?" Jennie furiously explained, finally staring straight at me, sharp eyes, and heavy inhales.

"Woah, it's not exactly like that. She would randomly spit unwanted comments about you and me, I had to clarify some tittle-tattle. I defended you," I disputed as our eyes met.

Jennie is gentle yet powerful. She's a butterfly and a lion at the same time.

We arrived at our destination, but we didn't resolve anything.

Fifteen minutes with her in the backseat of the car feels heavy. Our driver and assistants are probably eavesdropping. Amazing.

She's a bit calmer and said, "You can take work breaks for me, but you just DON'T want to. But if it's with Seulgi, a week of sleepover... and I'm deprived of quality time with you."

"What?" I said softly.

You heard me. What do you expect me to feel? I've been waiting in vain. Our quality time is fading away... and you decided to just... ugh," she whispered. "I thought we were going to make it." She looked at me with disappointment in her eyes and forced a sad, flat smile.

She stormed out of the car before I could tell her about my Jeju trip surprise and that I didn't skip work for the sleepover; I went to work and straight home to Seulgi. But maybe it won't help our case.

She slammed the door.