Brighter Than My Porch Light

Ripping a Chapter From My Book

Weeks of unrivaled, destructive pain.

I've been tempted to reach out for a conversation, wanting to give both sides an opportunity for better closure. I'm losing the ability to stay balanced in life; I'm so concerned about her mental health too.

I messaged her in a format that allowed her to think and answer. Suddenly, she called, and I panicked. I sat on the edge of my bed and composed myself to answer.

We talked for a short while, asking how she was doing, the basic questions with cautious replies.

"You know, I created a story in my mind of what I thought we were going to be," Jennie painfully opened. "But I know I'm a handful. A real headache, haha," she added, trying to poke fun at herself.

I have had long-term relationships, and she has experienced nothing but short-lived relationships; I was her longest.

"Oh, come on, you're not hard to love; they just don't know how to love you the right way," I replied immediately.

It's crazy how it only takes days and hours to change from lovers to strangers, from 'I love yous' to cold, awkward 'how are yous.' I miss her texts while I'm at work, telling me about her day. I miss telling her how much I love her. It terrifies me how much I crave that.

"You know, the contentment I have is what put me in that place to fight for our relationship," I shared while sitting on my couch, unaware of how I got here. My brain has been mindlessly floating.

"Yeah, that contentment. I also wasn't remotely thinking about finding someone new. You just showed up, and I just knew, I fell hard," she shared in a friendly tone.

I agree with her; nothing will ruin a relationship quicker than a scarcity mindset.

We talked like two strangers who love each other, taking accountability, apologizing, and being civil for both our sakes.

We decided to talk on the phone, avoiding any final meetups. We both don't want to stir up feelings and get drawn back into something that didn't work out.

"Seems impossible to make any sense of it now, but I'm willing to let you go if that's what you truly need," I explained to her, expressing my willingness to break my own heart for her own good.

She remained quiet. This is the silence that could crumble our hearts.

"I love the chapter of my life you were in, but tomorrow, I'll start a new chapter without you," she delivered it coldly.

The moment we hung up the call, tears poured out so fast as if I was having a convulsion. Releasing a loud sob, my upper body collapsed on the couch, gripping my phone to my chest.

The word "pain" does not do this hellish feeling justice.

"We might both be holding each other back," I convince my brain repeatedly as I stop myself from asking her back.

Maybe if I had been more patient, we would've figured out that the problems we had were petty and solvable. But our conversation exudes "game over," and it would be better if we part ways.

I regret not saying, "Maybe we can try to work through our issues?" But instead, I just wished her the best.

I must pry my phone away from my hand while I'm still able to hold myself.

I know someday I will meet someone new; I hope. I will develop a new language, routines, and inside jokes with that someone. But for now, I will let the tears roll. I've got to take one tragic day at a time as it comes.

I wish I knew the last time I saw her was going to be my last. I would've hugged her tighter and longer.

The moment she's out of my phone screen, I know she'll be gone forever. Oh, the tragedy of losing her.

***

Months of crawling out of bed to go to work.

People around me are trying to cheer me up. I appreciate the comfort they try to give me, but it's like hammering an ice pick on my chest with their every taunting line, 'It's going to be okay.'

I know it's going to be okay... but when?

Seulgi has been there to lift me when my motivation decides to give up on me, but I don't want to bother her that much, so I've been drowning myself with hair treatments, skin care, and reading self-help books.

Somehow, the pieces still don't fit. Time should do its job, but here I am, still stuck.

I worked consistently on shifting my attention, so I've accepted more projects.

Speaking of projects, I have a huge movie that could be included in the best actress category again.

With my overlapping projects, movies, and endorsements, I need a lawyer for legal advice, taxes, and high-risk contracts and agreements.

So, I must meet with the lawyer that Seulgi recommended.