Watering Withered Relationship

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When I feel the dark clouds starting to hover, I skip work and stay home the entire day. Sadness comes and goes without a reason. I'm confused about what I'm sad about, and it's not even about Wendy anymore. I feel incomplete most days, thinking about life and Seulgi and thinking about my dream Jeju trip, my next projects, and Seulgi again.

'I miss Seulgi,' I said out loud, talking to myself as usual.

The longings are heavier than usual. My depression is at its peak. So, I skipped work today to distract myself with baking, practicing my lines, and doing chores.

I wanted to hear Seulgi's voice, so I gathered my courage and called her. She answered, and her "hello?" made my day.

We talked for 15 minutes, just a brief catch-up of hi's and how are you's. There were pauses and idle moments, as if it was our first time talking to each other and we were too shy to open a topic.

I informed her about what happened. She already knew about my breakup. Words do fly fast. I told her I wanted to tell her first, but she wasn't doing well either. She said she wanted to check up on me but didn't want to give the wrong message. We were waiting for each other.

When Seulgi had to hang up to go back to her shoot, it felt like that sad rush you get when you try to catch your flight, hoping you won't miss it, but you still do, and you watch your plane take off without you. You wish the plane could stay a bit longer, but it has to go.

"I have to go now, but if you want someone to talk to, call me again, okay?" she said, and there was a pause again.

I wanted to say, 'Not just someone, but YOU.'

But instead, I said, "Yes, I might. You take care, Seulgi."

***

Since then, Seulgi and I have been texting every morning to check up on each other. Our texts are so dry, it's like two strangers trying to get to know each other again.

But it's more than enough.

Her presence is like a breath of fresh air. My chest still feels tight but lighter these past few days. Seeing her try bit by bit, answering my calls, and enjoying our conversations again gives me hope that we could pull our friendship through.

"I barely go out anymore unless it's for work," Seulgi shares about her sad days as if I'm not the reason behind it.

"Me too. Going to work that I love is becoming more like a chore than a pleasure," I explained to her while curled up in bed, phone on my left ear, just pouring my heart out to Seulgi.

"You have to keep it low pressure, okay?" she said, followed by, "You'll move on from Wendy, just like how you did with Jennie."

The way she tries to convince me to feel okay, even when her day is going downhill, is just so humbling and amazing.

"I thought she was my person. It hurt in the beginning, but I don't think she's the reason why I feel blue now," I explained.

There was a period of silence; I knew she was waiting for me to expound, and I was searching for the right words to say.

"How do I deal with my guilt after breaking Wendy's heart?" I shifted the topic; this question matters to me. My guilt has been eating me alive.

"Tell yourself that you increased the potential for both of you to be happy by parting ways," Seulgi advised.

We talked for 30 minutes. It felt like that sad rush feeling again, when you hail a cab, but it stops in front of someone else, leaving you confused as to why the driver didn't choose you as their passenger. Maybe if you looked interesting enough, they'd pick you.

Maybe if I had more interesting topics to talk about, Seulgi would stay longer.

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