Brighter Than My Porch Light

The Fragments of My Hope

I did not cry myself to sleep; I went home numb.

I did not shed a tear; instead, I stared into the horizon from my back porch until dawn. I watched hummingbirds' flit from flower to flower and the sun rise above, all while a heavy storm brewed within me.

'I almost lost her once,' I thought. 'I'm not going to let her slip away.'

I took out my phone and started composing carefully.

"I'm sorry. I just thought you ought to know about my feelings. It feels unbelievably surreal, but I know I didn't think this through. I'm sorry." I hit send and then composed another message.

"I want to communicate openly and understand this. These feelings and intentions are genuine. I want to talk." I hit send.

Seen-zoned.

I feel so indecisive; it's uncanny. I'm usually sure about things; most of my actions and plans are calculated. But now, I'm torn. Should I call her? Should I send a longer message? Should I go to her place uninvited?

Throughout the day, I flip every time my phone beeps. I rush to unlock it, but there's zero text from Seulgi.

The next day, the same thing happens. I fly across the room whenever my phone beeps, but this time, I get a text from Seulgi.

"Maybe whatever you're feeling towards me is beyond platonic, but you have to be sure," she said, still sounding disappointed, which made me regret confessing unprepared.

It took a while before she replied. To her credit, she didn't hold back and bombarded me with messages, unloading her true feelings.

"I was playing tango with my feelings, back and forth. You gave me the car keys and expected me to move on, so I did. I was driving smoothly, and then out of the blue, you blocked my path, asking me to go back."

Another set of messages from her:

"I was rationalizing that maybe I wasn't just a 'no choice'. It gave me the confidence not to hold back, but..."

"But then I saw your face, and it's just..."

"I could feel your doubt. I could feel the resistance, and it's keeping you from moving forward with me."

"I cannot describe how much it hurts my entire body."

Where should I start replying?

Cell phones are a godsend both in terms of convenience and in giving me time to think before speaking.

Instead, I called her, and she answered in her soft, polite tone. Her voice sounded like it longed for me, which gave me an even stronger will to fight for this.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you... again. Ugh, I don't like seeing you cry. I'm just not used to dealing with this," I apologized.

"I'm sorry as well. I know I spat out hurtful words. I pretended I wasn't over the moon when you said you love me, and it hurts to pretend... and I just..." she paused.

She let out a heavy sigh and continued, "I just wanted you to be sure of me... of us."

I remained quiet, giving her my full attention and letting her speak.

"So, is it my turn to ask the when's and how's?" She laughed softly, teasing me about how the tables had turned. It indeed flipped 180 degrees, but this time, we felt the same and were both single.

"Hmmmm, haha. I just woke up one day and went 'Oh crap.' I don't know the precise moment, but I think it slowly surfaced up the stream before the magazine."

"What magazine? Oh, Govue mag! Is the new issue out now?" she asked, and I knew she'd surely buy boxes. As much as I love her supportiveness, my brain went into full panic mode.

"Yes. No. I mean, yes, but don't buy. I mean, yes, buy it, but keep it... or not. You don't need to buy it, or I don't know." Out of panic, I replied with a deliberately loud tone, my heart racing. It was like I was hyperventilating.

I tried to shift the topic. "Well, anyway, out of fear, I let my conscious mind reject what my subconscious keeps telling me. I couldn't acknowledge it. Oh man, I don't know how you handled this," I declared, trailing off.

"Haha, me? Well... I hid it for so long that when I finally got the courage, the person I was in love with became unavailable. I foolishly kissed her at a public event while in a relationship... AND OH, did I mention I made a movie about it? Haha," she gushed, and we both laughed out loud.

I got comfortable with her and learned that we work well together and communicate effectively.

We chatted for 2 hours, talked about her movie, and our work, reminiscing about childhood and travels, discussed the places we want to visit, and much more.

There's still an elephant in the room, but I guess it's tolerable.