Brighter Than My Porch Light

The Last Time the Flower Blooms

Pretending everything's fine, smiling at everyone to conceal our true emotions.

The worst time to have an internal breakdown is when you're in a crowd. It's the loneliest feeling ever.

What does she mean by 'I thought we were going to make it'? It hurts to analyze it.

"One for the road!" Jennie screams at the top of her lungs as she takes her last shot. She's not drunk; she can handle booze, unlike me. She can handle energetic crowds, while I stay stiff and smile at everyone.

I just want to go home. This isn't my lifestyle anymore. I want to talk to my girlfriend and fix this before the night ends.

Some artists are leaving the party, and we're among them. Jennie and I head to the parking area, walking without talking. No holding hands, no glimpses, or smiles.

We get in the car and inform our driver and assistants that we want some time alone. They stay out, a few steps away from our car.

We sit uncomfortably side by side, paralyzed by the unbearable silence.

Heavy sighs and heartbreak are the only sounds filling the air.

"I apologize for my outburst. I love Seulgi; I just envy her sometimes... and I miss the way we were before," Jennie breaks the silence, bowing her head.

"It's fine, I understand. I don't get it either. When we're apart, we crave each other, but when we're together, we argue," I say as I tilt my head back slightly, making myself vulnerable.

She expresses love and anger differently, so having a conversation about her feelings would be the best way to understand her perspective.

"Yeah... we used to fit, right? I had high hopes for us; I was so sure you're the one," she courageously spits out some facts. I'm honestly impressed by how straightforward she is.

"I know, me too. Sometimes, I can't see you being happy with me in the future. I feel like we'd ruin each other by staying together," I confess to her. I wanted to say more, but tears were creating tension inside of me.

At first, I was understanding and told myself it's normal to fall in and out of relationships, but it looks like our ship has sunk, and this is its final course.

"Hmmm, I'm happy with you, but I understand. It's a draining cycle, isn't it?" She looked down at her hands, her eyes starting to shimmer with tears.

"Are we so in denial that we're beyond repair?" I asked.

She shrugged and said, "Maybe."

There was a long pause.

Amid this unvoiced tension, she suddenly asked, "So what now?"

A simple question that left a knot in my throat. I need to be honest. I have no choice but to let her go. The only thing I can choose is what I'm risking this relationship for.

"I want you to be happy. Go places and accept numerous projects without thinking about me. Enjoy your life without feeling pressured. My guilt haunts me. I'm inadvertently making it hard for you to grow."

"It's funny how I think I'm the one who halted your happiness. You had to adjust so much for me... but sadly, it eventually stopped," Jennie said, trying to force a smile while crying.

"So..."

"Yeah..."

The silence was so loud; so much was being left unsaid.

"You should not make doubtful vows; the universe moves once you have decided. So, I'm asking you, what do you want now?" I asked, crying my heart out.

There was a long pause.

Silence.

When silence itself replaces words,

I already know the answer.

She gripped my hand tightly, tears welling up in her eyes. As she was about to get out of the car, she kissed my cheek goodbye.

The moment I heard the door click; I suddenly couldn't breathe.

She closed the car door gently, but it was the loudest bang in my heart.