Brighter Than My Porch Light

You Were the Surprise I Wasn't Prepared For

When the movie ended, they whistled and applauded. I felt elated when she hugged me first before giving attention to anyone else.

She quickly asked for my opinion, ignoring everyone around us.

"The movie is simultaneously beautiful and wholesome, but it also made me sad. I can't imagine you feeling like that," I whispered, inches away from her ear as we slowly stood up.

"Haha, it wasn't all about me, but not going to lie, the heartaches helped me build the perfect notion and script for the movie." She winked and lightly poked fun at it.

I'm building up the courage to tell her how I feel, because if not today, then when? So, amid praises and laughter, I pulled her away from the crowd.

"I need to tell you something. Can we talk?"

My heart was beating fast, my voice shaky, and my stomach felt sick.

"Yes, of course," Seulgi said with worry in her eyes. We walked a bit farther away and entered an empty production room.

"What is it? Is everything okay?" She whispered, inches away from my face.

"Is it about the movie?" She asked, eyes widened, and eyebrows raised.

I shook my head, unable to speak. She waited patiently until I could pull myself together. Tilted her head, she urged me to speak.

"You and me," I exhaled, starting to divulge.

"Okay, you've uncovered the essence of who I am."

Why do I sound like I'm proposing?

I resumed, "I... I understand why it didn't work with Jennie and Wendy. Th... they're not meant for me. I have the most... m... most amazing feeling now, and I... I wish I realized it sooner..." I stuttered so badly; it was embarrassing.

"I have fallen for you. I don't know when it started, but I think it was way before you even kissed me." Oh, I finally said it, after mustering the courage.

This is what she felt like on the award night. I feel like I'm going to cry out of nervousness.

"I feel safe with you, now I know why. It's like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I can see you walking with me through this darkness. It's you. Ugh, this is becoming a lengthy soapbox talk," I ended my speech, waving my hands in the air as if delivering an actual work presentation.

She blankly stared at me, mouth slightly open, trying to assess if this was an elaborate prank.

She smiled slightly, but it faded.

It's bliss telling Seulgi about it; the weight on my back has vanished, but the downside is that she might think she's a backup plan or my last resort.

And I was right.

She puts her right palm on her chest.

"For months and years, I was hoping you'd notice me... but over and over again, you clearly showed you weren't interested... so this feels like I'm your substitute," she says softly. Fear shimmers in her eyes.

"Look, I was rejecting the idea... I didn't want to be caught up in the romanticism of friends turned lovers, but my heart... Oh, my heart says the obvious, and my brain rejects it," I explained as she lacked enthusiasm.

She moved two steps away from me, squeezed her eyes shut, and said, "You know... It was absolute torture to convince myself to keep my distance. Now, you're telling me you've fallen when I've already forced myself to put my feelings aside..."

She opens her eyes, battling tears. Her gaze begs for an explanation while I scramble for the right words.

"Remember our phone calls and texts, like we were in a long-distance relationship, trying to mend things... Those phone calls changed my life for the better. That's when it unraveled," I recounted.

I hate how much of a crybaby she is. Whenever she cries, I cry with her, even before I find out the reason.

"We can't rush into this. It would be awful if we said yes to a relationship and broke up after a month because we rushed it, rather than give each other a proper answer..." She stopped abruptly when she saw my expression change.

Her eyebrows furrowed as she interpreted my reaction.

Break up? Relationship? I was stunned and fearful.

I imagined being in an actual relationship with Seulgi, and I felt frightened. It changed my emotions in an instant, and she saw it.

I inadvertently let my hesitancy show, and it hurt her.

"Hold on, you're not sure, are you? Oh, for once in your life, Irene, stop breaking my heart..." Her other words were gibberish; I didn't catch them.

She starts to sob while talking, touching her forehead and chest. She keeps asking me, "What do you want?"

I remained quiet, standing like a mannequin in front of her.

I'm terrified that one day she'll be tired of me, and I'll be completely broken, having lost everything, even our friendship.

What if we can't survive arguments? What if she realizes I'm a bad partner? What if I'm not good enough, and she falls out of love and abandons me abruptly?

I can't accurately respond with words, so my body finds another way to express it—I bawled. Tears on my cheeks, chin, and soul.

"Now, you claim that you love me... but it all boils down to the simple question you cannot answer: what do you want?" Her voice gradually decreased even more, sounding defeated.

"You tend to make things complicated. Isn't this enough? That I reciprocate...?" I replied.

"NO. Because I know what I want, and I want YOU. All of you. With me, for the long haul. Just you and me, moving forward. Now, YOU... what... do... you... want?" She poured her heart into her voice, speaking quietly yet intensely.

"I think I better go," I said.

Seulgi isn't the coward here...

I am.

She leans back, staring at the ceiling, breathing heavily as she tries to compose herself.

I'm holding onto the answer 'You', but I know it's not enough. This isn't a board game I can redo if I make a wrong move and say 'oh well' if I lose.

My cardigan was all over the place, and my makeup was smudged underneath my eyes.

She wipes her eyes and fakes a smile as she walks out of these four walls. I need to do the same.

My face feels flushed, and my eyes are blinking uncontrollably. I try to compose myself and look confident.

I swim through the crowd. I catch Seulgi watching me head towards the door. Our eyes lock for a moment. I turn away to focus on my path.

This feels like déjà vu. Oh, the familiarity of this situation.

Her eyes follow me across the room,

Until I'm out the door,

Out of her sight.