Brighter Than My Porch Light

Heart Is Crumbling While Anarchy Grows

In the middle of the show, Jennie is performing her latest hit song.

She keeps glancing at the center audience, a bit farther from our table. She isn't even discreet about it, so I turn around to check.

It's Lisa. She is smiling back at her.

She's rooting for Jennie, her cute little cheers being the loudest among the fans' roars. The way she looks at Jennie as if she created Earth.

Jennie is right, she's home. She belongs to Lisa, a puzzle that fits perfectly.

After her performance, there's a long break. I know Seulgi said we'd talk after the show, but I feel so restless and agitated about everything.

So, I called her, but she canceled my call. I tried again, and she canceled again.

I keep calling as I wander around the premises like a mouse trying to escape a maze. I'm starting to worry.

Seulgi never cancels my calls.

And then I found her.

She's in the empty lounge area, sitting on a sofa, looking down at the floor while holding her phone. She looks spaced out, beautiful in her pink maxi dress, but in a melancholic state.

"Seulgi!"

She did not even budge; she was so immersed in her thoughts. I was worried, so I walked closer. "Seulgi!"

She looked in my direction, and I smiled, but she didn't smile back. She stood up without saying a word, just staring at me while I walked towards her.

She looked like the rainbow part of her life was bleached away, so everything was just gray.

She started to walk gently towards me.

She reached to cup my face with her two soft hands.

And then she kissed me.

Slowly, on my lips. Seconds stood still, with buzzing in the background.

She let go of my face and moved back.

I was stunned because that kiss felt like a message, a message that had been hidden for so long.

I gave her the 'what was that?' facial expression. All the synonyms of anger, confusion, doubts, love, and hate rushed in. I could not collect my thoughts.

"I'm sorry. I just had to know," she said softly, sounding in despair.

"Know what?" I raised my tone, still in shock, standing frozen in front of her.

Some artists witnessed the scene, while others peeked from another room to see what the commotion was about, and some stepped back to give us space.

"I'm sorry, this is a bad idea, but I just need to know," she whispered, looking down at the floor, mumbling again, so I snapped.

"Stop mumbling! Can you answer faster? Clearer?" I said in a frustrated tone, while she gave me a blank stare.

I was taken aback, pulling my eyebrows together, feeling dazed and confused. I started to pace across the room, back and forth.

"The kiss. What was that about?" I demanded once more, but she remained silent. My brain was trying to dig deeper and make sense of it, but her silence pushed my inner voice to rant about all the things in my head.

"What... was that? Seulgi? WHY? And... and... I just got informed that you told Jennie I was jealous of Lisa. WHY? What was that kiss about? You are unsupportive about Wendy, WHY?" I enumerated, rambling, and she stood up, cutting me off.

"'CAUSE I WAS JEALOUS!" She produced the loudest tone that made my heart hitch.

"I was crazy jealous... I still am, I still am." She was bawling, slowly slumping down on the sofa, and covering her face.

She looks defeated, and it breaks my heart to see her like this. I'm holding back my tears, but I know I would fail at it.

I'm searching for the right words to ask.

"Why... but... why did you go behind my back and tell Jennie that I was jealous of Lisa?" I said in a mild tone, struggling to construct a sentence.

"I wanted to see you happy. You were so overwhelmed and frustrated. I thought, maybe, giving Jennie a hint could help," she explains while looking down at her feet.

"Wh... what... how... I mean, are you jealous of Wendy because I spend more time with her?" My heart was palpitating as tears started to flow like a river.

"No," she shakes her head. "Then why?" I whispered. "IT'S BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU," she screams aloud, for my brain cells to hear.

Time stood still. Her face turns tomato red as she stands up in front of me, and then our eyes lock.

"It started years ago, way before Jennie and you started dating. I was able to contain it, but it has gotten stronger and deeper, and I lost control," Seulgi said, trying to catch her breath.

My brain was trying to connect the dots at an alarming speed, but I couldn't keep up to process these revelations and confessions in one hour.

"You can't just dump all of this on me... all at once..." I pleaded, stepping away while looking around, my hand on my chest.

"I know. I know... UGH! It's not supposed to be like this."

Seulgi follows me. She grips my arm and sighs.

A long pause, just staring at each other's welled-up eyes.

"Seulgi..." I whispered, giving her a mournful stare. "I know," she gave a little nod, with a defeated and hollow smile.

"Seulgi... I'm with Wendy now."

"I know."

"I wish the universe waited..." She said faintly.

"I wish it waited for me..." She wiped her tears and continued, "Until I get the courage to face it..." Her deep, sultry voice breaks.

"But I guess, I will always be late."

And my heart twitches.

She slowly wipes the tears on my cheek and forces a pitiful smile.

She walked away, leaving me unhinged, as people around gauged my reaction.

A couple of artists tried to console me as I sobbed like a baby.

I stood for a minute that seemed like an eternity.

With every step she took, my world paused.

As I watched her fade from my sight, my world went blurry.