Brighter Than My Porch Light

The Answers That Suddenly Spilled From My Own Lips

Weeks after my revelation day with myself, I go to work tight-lipped, trying to act cool around my workmates. I chew food slowly, analyzing the ingredients to see if they are spicy and saucy like my secrets. I speak carefully as if I might accidentally say I'm in love with Seulgi.

Seulgi even asked me, "Is everything okay? You've been acting strange. You laugh hysterically at simple things, or sometimes you suddenly go quiet and zone out."

I wish I could tell her how drowned I am in my thoughts. 

I wish I could share how I feel about her, especially since she feels the same way, but I don't think she'll believe me, so I am screwed.

I headed home early. Driving has become one of my stress relievers, but my phone notifications are going wild. I wanted to ignore them, but someone was blasting me with messages. I decided to pull over to see if it was an emergency.

It's Yeri, Jennie, Lisa, and everyone in my circle who has a copy of the magazine I am on the cover of.

They're teasing me over my answers, throwing witty remarks and playful jabs. One sent a picture of the Q&A section with a heart emoji and a kissing gif. Another shared her favorite answer along with a link to a love song.

This isn't helping my emotional state. It's like ripping a bandage off a wound I've been trying to hide from everyone.

Govue Magazine delivered my copy straight to my home. They left the huge box with a golden ribbon on my doorstep.

I hurried inside to unbox it. It included magazine copies, beauty freebies, and expensive merchandise from the Govue company.

I frantically flipped through the pages to my Q&A section, reading them and...

'Seulgi taught me...'

'Seulgi, my life coach...'

My answer to the eighth question: Do you have any advice for workaholic people who want to improve their toxic lifestyle?

'Love your physical body and your world will come together. Seulgi taught me that one way we can improve is by being compassionate and strengthening unity within ourselves and with the environment.'

'Seulgi this and Seulgi that.'

I'm dizzy. I mindlessly answered these questions like a high school slam book.

I put the magazine on the table, both hands grabbing my hair, wanting to pull it out. My thoughts are scattered everywhere. It's so quiet that I can hear the birds chirping outside and my heart pounding.

The fact that I can see things now made this day great, but how can I face the world tomorrow at Seulgi's movie premiere?

I wonder if she has a copy of it. I wonder if they also texted her. 'What should I do?' I said, panicking in my living room.

I need to tell her soon.

I know what it feels like when someone spends months and years secretly falling in love, only to spill it all out in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I think I have been aware, deep down, that I love Seulgi too.

She's my best friend and confidant. It makes sense to me—this is what being in love with your friend feels like.

My threshold for happiness has expanded.

I looked at the magazine article, smiled, and tilted my head upward. Keeping my chin up, I said wholeheartedly,

'It's Seulgi. It always has been.'