Brighter Than My Porch Light

The One You Need to Risk Your Friendship For

For days, I have been thinking about the thing that crossed my mind. It's like Voldemort is living in my head rent-free—Something-that-can't-be-named or You-know-what. And it's taboo not to dig deeper or question myself even more.

Was it even a realization? Or am I just adding more confusion to my life?

I am more sleep-deprived than ever, overthinking. Talking to Seulgi from time to time, pretending I don't have an internal battle within me, hits like a brick truck.

I decided to read a book to shift my focus.

A fiction book.

3rd chapter: 'I'm attracted to her voice and hands, her mannerisms and the way she speaks, her usage of etiquette English. The way her brain works...' The main character describes her love interest in the book. I immediately thought of Seulgi; I love how she listens to my ridiculous stories with compassion.

Seulgi considers my opinions, and she sets her ego aside. She's bright, caring, and charming.

I love her sturdy shoulders and stable wrists, slightly squishy cheeks, and...

Hold on...

I stopped reading and tried to digest what just happened.

I put down the book on my lap and closed it. I'm just staring into the abyss with a mind-boggling confusion.

I inhaled deeply and stood up at a slow pace. As I walked to my shelf, I decided to pick a non-fiction book instead. I returned the romance novel to its place on my shelf in the meantime.

I picked a book about life and habits, inspiring the reader to try something new. Hmm, this should help me find clarity and inspiration.

The first chapter is about setting a goal and wanting it badly enough; that strong desire is very important. Then slowly figure out how to execute it.

The award show crossed my mind when Seulgi didn't waste another day to confess. That was her goal—to confess. She explained that she had wasted enough time, letting her chances slip by.

But when she was about to execute her goal, things got a little out of hand.

I shook my head and continued reading.

The 2nd chapter is about not waiting for motivation to come around. Sometimes it's difficult to find, so you have to act on it and start with little habits and routines.

Just like what Seulgi advised me, "To achieve your goal, you can't always rely on motivation; it's flimsy. For example, if you want to learn how to play piano, start with 10 minutes daily and gradually increase the length of the session."

Her mindset helps me stay productive during periods of sadness or just generally low energy.

She's powerful and determined...

'Hold on for a sec...' I caught myself smiling.

I closed the book, feeling an internal panic attack coming on.

'Seulgi again? My gosh, Irene, get a grip,' I convinced myself with all my might.

'Maybe I just missed her so much. Now that she's here, emotions are overflowing. Right?' I spoke to the air as if it would answer back.

'Am I? Am I falling in love? Like romantic feelings? Is this what she felt like?'

This is driving me crazy.

She's the reason why I felt blue, and my pain magically disappeared when we patched things up.

My mind is so noisy; it's like a bunch of my personalities came alive and started to huddle and brainstorm, and I'm just a bystander.