Brighter Than My Porch Light

An Ounce of Abandoned Hope

It's been two weeks since I last talked to Seulgi. I ask myself questions, and my brain gives me ridiculous answers; it won't stop overthinking. Everything irritates me: the people at work, the weather, and sometimes, Wendy. Every perfume has a rancid odor, every light is too bright, and Wendy's efforts to cheer me up are not enough.

An actor at work uses the same perfume Seulgi loves, and it violates my peace, going straight to the most vulnerable part of my soul. I was on the verge of crying.

I've barely gotten any sleep at all, and the award show for a TV series is tomorrow. I look like a big slob of despair, with panda eye bags and the energy of a sloth.

I sent Seulgi a message, letting her know that I wanted to talk after the award show tomorrow, fully aware I'd see her there.

I still haven't received a response. I'm still upset about her judging Wendy negatively and her lack of support for us, but I'm losing my mind. Come on, Seulgi.

***

I woke up early from a notification; a simple beep was enough to wake me up. So now I am irritated.

"Did I forget to put my phone on mute? Ugh." I reached for my phone. Maybe it's about the award show tonight, or Wendy, or...

It's Seulgi.

It's a reply from Seulgi, and it says,

First message: "I've been thinking, and we need to talk. I'll see you later?" Second message: "After the award show, okay?"

I could feel my heart sinking and rejoicing simultaneously. I got up and sat on my bed faster than a second.

Should I include "Good morning"? Should I say, "I miss you"? Should I add an emoji?

I replied, "Yes, I'll update you. See you there!" It sounds flat and plain.

Her message is kind of cold but friendly, and it's giving me debilitating anxiety.

***

I'm with the whole cast of our series.

Three hours before the award show starts. They're doing our makeup and hair. I'm seated side by side with Yeri.

"Are you going to bring a date tonight?" Yeri teases, trying to tilt her head and look at me sideways while they fix her makeup.

"Oh. Nah, she's busy," I answered, looking at her reflection in the mirror.

"Seulgi?" she asked.

"No."

"Oh, Wendy?" she hinted.

"Yeah, I didn't drag her. She has a lot on her plate today," I said, trying to stay stiff as they did my hair. I invited Wendy, but she canceled at the last minute due to a sudden workload. This isn't the first time she's flaked out on our plans. We compromise and find balance, but it's inevitably becoming an issue.

"Hmmm, I see. Why don't you come with Seulgi? Jennie will go with Lisa," Yeri curiously asked. She's the type of friend who knows everything about everyone.

One thing about moving on is when you hear your ex's name, and it doesn't sting anymore. You're happy if they're dating or probably don't care at all, but there's no animosity.

"I think Seulgi has to go there early; she's going to promote her movie," I implied while closing my eyes for the eye contour.

"Oh, will I see you at the premiere?" I asked straight away.

"Yes. I can't wait to see how Seulgi portrayed her life," she teased.

"Oh, it's not about Seulgi. It's about two friends: one has feelings, and the other is clueless. The main character must endure the tormenting twists of their friendship. She thinks that even if she confesses, she'd be left unseen, and the friend—" I paused.

I realized something: what if Seulgi had taken some experiences from her personal life? She shared that she contributed 70% of the script and story.

It's hard to hold a conversation with Yeri when everyone's busy putting moisturizer and elixir oil all over my face and hair.

"Hmmm, I see. Haha, what if... just hypothetically, some parts in it are about Seulgi? She co-wrote the movie, so who knows?" Yeri suggested, echoing what had been circling in my mind seconds ago.

Yeri, with her eyes closed, managed to peek a little to see my reaction. She angled her head towards me, and the hairstylist followed her movement.

"Like she's madly in love with someone she can't have—let's say, an actress that we both know," Yeri added, clearly very engaged in this topic.

I feel bitter about her statement. What if she's right? Thinking that Seulgi is head over heels for someone else makes me crazy jealous. I know I should be happy, but it feels like I'm being poured with cold water, and I can't dry off.

My brain blocks the idea. I would sulk; Seulgi should have shared it with me first.

She continued, "Maybe I'm overgeneralizing, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but friends to lovers is the most natural and magical thing that everyone should experience." She proudly shared, with her beaming face and smiling eyes.

I'm trying to stay in the flow of the conversation. I had to answer quickly and succinctly, but my brain went idle and just responded with, "Yeah, I agree haha."