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I wanted to click like, but reminded myself of my digital footprint, so I blocked my phone and let out a sigh instead. I was sitting in my car, stalling for five more minutes, until it was time to show up at my first therapist's appointment. This season hadn't gone as I imagined, at all. Sure, we had won two trophies, but I could have done so much better. I should have done so much better.
And the breakup with Sira, my gosh. She had very clearly told me that she wanted to focus on her career instead of hanging around with my whiny ass. Ok, she hadn't put it this way, but it was what she had wanted to say. I knew that this was also on me, partly. There was no need in denying that something in me had changed when I saw Cata again after all that time. For some reason, she had always occupied a space in my brain. And maybe also in my heart. When she asked me if I was seeing someone for my mental health, I was surprised. She hadn't shied away from talking about this to me, and she even offered to help, even though we were somehow strangers and not on the best of terms. It should have been my girlfriend building me up, and not a girl I shared a moment with ages ago, so I didn't feel guilty about the breakup. It was probably for the better and I would come out of it stronger.
I quickly got out of my car when I saw that I had been daydreaming about Cata for too long again, and hurried up the stairs to the therapist's office after ringing the buzzer downstairs. I arrived at the practice and was greeted friendly by the receptionist, who made me fill out some forms before guiding me into the doctor's office. "Hello, Ferran" this guy in his mid-fourties greeted me as he shook my hand. "Hello" I simply replied and we sat down on two couches which were facing each other.
"Very well. I know this must have been a step to overcome, to come here and seek some kind of help, but I'm very glad you did. Athletes may look strong and buff on the outside, but on the inside, they're maybe even more fragile than others. So, I want you to know that this here is a safe space and you can talk about everything that's on your mind, no matter if football related, or private life-related, because in the end, everything is connected in our brain anyways" the doctor said friendly, making me feel at ease. I took a deep breath before starting to speak, not really sure where to start. But I had to start somewhere.
"Every time I shoot the ball and see it flying past the net... It's like something in me dies. And I feel like I'm crumbling after this season. My relationship came to an end, in my opinion because I wasn't coping well enough with the pressure, and I'm not even sure if I'll have a spot in the team next year or am being sold off." I muttered and the doctor nodded. "Why did you feel that your lack of coping with pressure cost you your relationship?" he asked. "Because I was relying on her building me up instead of doing that myself" I replied, convinced that this was the most pressing issue.
"But it's not only a taking in a relationship. It's also a giving - it's not wrong to want a partner to be there for you in dark moments" he said and I sighed. "There's also... this other girl. I met her in Manchester almost two years ago now, nothing really happened, we met at a club and kissed, but I pushed her away when she told me she didn't want to lose her virginity on a one-night-stand, because... that's not how it should be. I thought I'd never see her again after that, but... she came to Barcelona and long story short, we met by chance again. Nothing happened, but something switched in me when I saw her again. I offered to tutor her in Catalan... She's coming to my place tomorrow" I blabbered. Talking about Cata was so easy and... made me happy.
"Ok, maybe we want to slow down a bit here. You just came out of a relationship and since you haven't said one bad word about your ex, I gather you did love her sincerely. So you need time to heal. Getting involved with another girl wouldn't be fair to her and would only hurt you, because you aren't ready for a new relationship yet. You'll end up hurting her involuntarily, because you yourself are still hurt too. And nothing comes easier to hurt people than hurting others" the therapist explained and I nodded, burying my head in my hands.
"I just... I can't stay away from her. She makes me feel... good. Wanted. Everything is easy with her." I blurted out. "I'm not saying you should stay away from someone who makes you feel good. But maybe try... being friends at first, no hurrying into anything. Build a strong and solid base with her on which you can build if... someday something more blossoms" he replied and smiled at me. "You're right. Being friends sounds good, but... I don't want to lead her on, keep her waiting. She deserves someone who makes her feel like she makes me feel..." I mumbled.
"Friendship isn't a one-way street. Give her back something if she makes you feel as happy as you just described it to me. Be it your time, be it finding out her hobbies and joining her in doing that. I'm sure you will find something to bond over. Just make it be something else than football... you could use the change" he chuckled and I softly laughed too. "I will" I replied and couldn't wait for tomorrow to come around and get to know Cata better. I wanted to know everything about her, I wanted her to be a book I would read with time, discovering new things on every page. And then I would re-read it a million times again, just because of the plot.
