It Doesn't Even Matter

I'm messing this up aren't I?

Hey guys, sorry this chapter took an eternity. I wanted to get it right and keep rewriting drafts just not loving it. Anyway, I like it a lot now, so hopefully you like it too and it was worth the wait!☺️❤️
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Today was going to be perfect it had to be because today was Brit's birthday and I wasn't going to mess it up over some stupid psychiatrist who didn't know what he was talking about anyway. I wasn't aware that being honest now constituted a crime. I'd never had anyone with that much power or control look at me like that before other than... I let the thought trail off pushing it aside for now. I didn't need to hear that shit today, my mood had officially begun to tank and that couldn't happen. Pacing the parking lot in front of the clinic I wait impatiently for Sofie to finish her appointment. She didn't know it yet but I desperately needed her help figuring out Brit's gift. Sliding my phone out of my pocket I check the time, 4:15. We didn't have a lot of time before the party tonight to figure this out considering I had no clue whatsoever and a budget that would take us far out of Beverly Hills to shop.

I so did not want to go to a party tonight, especially after what just happened. Still, I was the one who insisted she have it and not cancel because of me. She wanted to spend her Birthday with me so bad she was willing to call off the party Drew and her friends were throwing her just to be with me. The tension in my body leaves me a little thinking about it. "Waiting for me?" I watch Sofie walk down the steps of the clinic and suddenly feel a little guilty about what I'm going to ask of her. We've been... cordial? I'd pushed her away and kept her at a distance for the last few months and I knew it hadn't been right.

"Yep, waiting for you. How uh," I rub my hand over the back of my neck nervously quickly pulling my arm and sleeve down so she won't see the marks from my fingernails my psychiatrist just did. "How have you been?"

She squints at me. "What do you want, I mean not to be rude or anything you just haven't exactly been the friendliest the last few months."

"I know, you're right and I'm sorry. I- I'm really good at pushing people away when I think they've gotten too good a look at me and-" I stop and decide not to share anymore even though I definitely owe her it. I can't do that right now. "I'm sorry."

"I don't know what type of picture you think I've gotten of you when you won't even let me get to know you. The picture has sort of becomes one of an asshole." I winced knowing she is right and feel myself retreating inward.

"I have been an asshole you're right." I know I need to apologize again and I start to open my mouth to do it when a car horn honks behind us cutting me off and making us both jump.

"Shit, Max I'm so sorry I wasn't thinking about-"

"Sofie what the fuck!" It's her brother again, he's gotten out of his car and is coming right towards us. "Is he stalking you now too? Are you alright?" He moves so he's standing in between us and I take a large step back to create room. I close my eyes tight for a second trying to regain my composure and any sense of confidence I might have left.

"God Justin stop being dramatic of course he's not stalking me, we're friends."

"No, you're not, I told you to stay away from him so why is he here now?" I watch them silently trying to come up with that explanation myself.

"He's- he was-" Think, think quickly.

"Why do you think I'd be here?"

"What?" Had I really just said that, had I just admitted that out loud to him? Jesus Christ, what was wrong with me? Maybe I'd officially lost it. Or maybe... was I stepping into acceptance of who I was and what I was going through? I want it to be acceptance, I want to let everything out and maybe that would help me heal. Just like my therapist had been saying and like I said I would do with Lucas and letting him back into my life, damn why had I just been honest with him though of all people.