It Doesn't Even Matter

The mustard might be key here

"Oh."

Brit pauses a little stunned and then doesn't say anything else. I think I'm going to be sick. My palms are sweating and when she suddenly jumps up I flinch back. She's going to make an excuse to leave now and run off, this was a huge mistake. "You shouldn't be here then! We should get you out of here, right? Let's get out of here and-" It's abundantly clear she doesn't have a lot of experience with this type of thing and I have to remind myself that she's trying her best with this so I don't snap at her when she is just trying to be supportive.

"I'm ok. I wouldn't be here if I didn't think I couldn't handle it. I'm in remission, sustained. Uh, I don't actually know if that means anything to you though, but yeah I'm sober and I feel fine about being here." I smudge the truth a little about how I'm feeling because she doesn't need to know everything. Especially anything that will project the way she's acting now and make it worse. I can handle things myself, I'm doing fine. My mind wants to drift back to the kitchen when I think too long and I hold myself back from the thought. I can handle this.

"Oh, still, maybe we should go anyway. Would you be more comfortable if we left?" She is looking at me differently than before, treating me differently. It's getting under my skin. This is the exact opposite of what I wanted to happen. I thought this would build trust not obliterate it. I know you can't choose how people react to things like this or how they handle it, but I still feel like I should have known better and thought things through more. Especially the timing of where we are right now. I should have shared something else I normally hide. But I wasn't thinking the way I should have because I've never had to tell anyone this before.

They either already know, like my mom or Oliver or I haven't wanted them to. Sometimes people talk about this moment in AA, about telling someone new that they care about about their addiction and what it's like. I'm a good listener. I thought I was only I guess I never fully took any of it in. I wasn't thinking about telling anyone new before. I wasn't thinking about ever letting anyone in ever again. Telling her just felt so right in the moment. I thought she'd be a different type of supportive then this but that was stupid. We are sixteen, this isn't some little thing I just shared. Of course she doesn't know how to handle this, and she really is trying her best. It's sort of sweet if I stop feeling frustrated and take a step back from it.

I find myself taking in a slow deep breath and standing up next to her, placing one of my hands on her shoulder. "I'm ok. I can be here right now, it's not a big deal." Again I try to forget the moment in the kitchen before as I speak to her and not carry the shame with me here into this conversation. Or allow the thoughts that I'm different from everyone else here, worst, to take over in my head. "I'm the same person as before Brit, nothing about me has changed." She winces at me and I pull my hand back sighing up into the sky. "Nothing has changed here has it? Between us? We can talk more about this if you need to..." God don't make me have to talk through this with her in some big way.

"I-" She stops to look at me and then just keeps looking. She isn't saying anything again and it hurts to know that this has actually changed so much. She sees something in me now that she must not have before. I don't feel different, I've worked so hard to understand this is just a part of me and not who I am, now... "No, nothing has changed between us, because you're right, nothing has changed with you." I let all of the air out of my body along with all of the emotions I've been holding in. "You're the same person as before, I just... I didn't know. I feel sort of bad having pushed this party on you. I'm really sorry." Great, I think half want to roll my eyes again. She's blaming herself and I've made her uncomfortable. I need to let go of the tension in my shoulders and ease up. She's amazing .We're sixteen and she's actually handling all of this surprisingly well.

"Don't apologize for something like that. You didn't push anything, you just invited me and how would you have known? Me being an alcoholic isn't something for you to carry with you in a way that should make you feel guilty or like you need to tiptoe around me. It won't..., just-" Fuck this is a lot harder to confront with someone than I thought. I didn't think about having to try and comfort them, about having to comfort her. "You know how you asked me to be honest with you from now on? I'm going to do my best at that but I can't, just don't turn this into a whole thing where it's all you are ever thinking about when you are with me, ok?"