It Doesn't Even Matter

Deserving to feel proud

"I think I can't decide who I am now," I say staring away from my sponsor Dylan and at the wall behind him. "I think I lost myself a long time ago and never really decided to get me back again." I let in a deep breath still not looking at him and push off the wall in my wheelie chair accelerating backward. "Does that make sense?"

"It makes a lot of sense to me. It's hard to feel like you are the same person as before when you get sober. Especially when you feel like you relied on drinking for so long to cope or to feel like a different person. I don't always feel comfortable with who I am now. I don't know that finding yourself or self-love is that easy."

"I-, what if I never was anything to begin with though?"

"That's bullshit and you know it." I snort finally planting my feet to stop from spinning and look at him. This is why I liked Dylan, he was a straight shooter. "But maybe that's something for you to think about too, if you feel like you never found yourself before then you get to now. There's a lot of guilt around all of this and I know you feel like you've lost a lot of time-"

"I have," I interrupt him trying not to let my irritation flare up. I've spent all weekend since the party angry about everything, and taking it out on everyone including myself. "And I can't get it back because he's dead."

"I know." He sighs looking down at his wrists and I know he's thinking about his own regrets too. "But you're sober now, and clean. So don't let this time be wasted. Be present in it even when it's hard and try to appreciate it more."

"I've heard that already."

"Have you tried it?" He's got me there.

"You know normally you're less of an asshole."

"No I'm not, sometimes you just like what I'm saying better than others." I roll my eyes not replying and use my feet to spin around again. "How's Therapy going?"

"I never should have told you about that." I say through half-grinded teeth.

"You're angry today. What happened this weekend that has you so upset?"

"Nothing."

"Really because you called me asking to meet at eleven pm, after already going to a meeting at five, and have spun in that chair for twenty minutes swearing at the ceiling without actually saying anything. So something is going on." He's right. I'm having a bad day, and it's weird because I don't really want to talk to him, but usually when I feel this dizzy and out of control he's who I call, so I picked up the phone anyway just to sit here and be angry. Actually no, I'm not angry, I'm livid, and I can't place my finger on why. Maybe I'm just embarrassed because I had a panic attack in front of Brit and I'm turning that into anger. She said it was fine though and I know that's not really what the problem is because I'm not all that embarrassed. She's my friend, she understood afterward and was more concerned than anything. We seemed just as solid as before. So that left me upset and then inraged I don't know why I'm so upset.

Maybe I just want to stop thinking so hard about things like I have been lately and go back to avoiding my emotions, pushing them down. Or it could be that I'm pissed off because that's what I'm trying to do and it's not working anymore. "I said I'm a fuck up."

"Are we back to that then?" I'm not looking at him but I know from the tired tone in his voice exactly what his face would look like if I did. Half sad, half stoic, sensitive, and caring eyes. We've had this conversation so many times, I wish one of these times it would stick only I always stop believing in myself and go back to this feeling again. It's a bad cycle and I know it. Sometimes hating myself just feels easier than actually looking at myself. Dylan is so patient with me that hearing his voice sometimes makes me want to rip my ears off, especially when I'm already this frustrated. Yet I picked up the phone. Probably because until lately he's the only consistent support I've had, even when I push and push. Screaming and yelling, half drunk or crying, whining without sleep for days at two am. He's always patient. God, I think I might hate him right now for no reason at all besides his kindness to me when I've never deserved it and his ridiculous patience.