If You Let Me

Within Me

Noelle and I have been hanging out a a lot more, and by a lot, I mean A LOT. Like to the point where we were together almost every day. Yes, we did have our kiss that was stripped away from us that night, infact, we had more than just one. It was a good distraction from Drei, but oddly enough, every time we kissed, I wanted it to be him.

Today was just another ordinary day, I was planning on going out with Noelle, Again. I make my way downstairs and I'm immediately swarmed by my sisters. "Happy birthday our beautiful brother!" They scream, which made me smile. I didn't typically like my birthday, mainly because, every year, my father would play my birthday down, and just act like it's every other day. I didn't get presents, parties, cake, Nothing. Not to say that I wanted all of this things, but I just wanted to feel seen on my birthday. The only people who made me feel special on these days were, Arya, Mom, My sisters and my friends, Jade and Tyler.

"Happy birthday my Son, I wish you many more years to come, and I love you abundantly." My mom Says, as she hugs me tightly. "Thank you mom." I say smiling at her words. "Here's you present." My mom Says giving me a small box. I open the box to find Six plane tickets. I give my mom a confused look, and she starts giggling. "You're going to Hawaii for a week!" She says excitedly. "What do you mean by 'you're' going?" I ask in excitement. "Other Five tickets are for your friends." She says. I run to her and hug her. "Thank you mom." I say as I hug her. "Oh yeah, I've already called Annie to ask her if Drei could go with, she said it's okay, he'll be here tonight since tour flight is tomorrow morning. Please let all your friends know that, you're leaving at 6am. We don't want you to miss the flight." She says excitedly.

Oh Fuck, I still didn't tell my mother about everything that occurred between me and Drei. This is going to a long week. I make my way to my room and receive calls from Jade, Tyler, Noelle, Arya and Drei.Wait how did he know it's my birthday today? I never told him that. That's weird, but I put my thoughts to the side and call Arya back, before calling my friends. They all wished me happy birthday, and they were so excited, they immediately started packing. They were all going to sleep at my house, since we need to leave early. It would just be easier, than to stop at everyone's houses, and then make our way to the airport.

I've invited Noelle, Jade, Isaac, Tyler and Against my own will, Drei. I knew that it would be awkward, but there's nothing I could do now, it would look  bad if I just Uninvited him. So I just let it be.

My friends came over at around 5, and we were just busy catching up. I haven't spoken to jade since the sleepover, not to say that we weren't  close anymore, it just that we didn't really need to speak everyday. Even though we didn't speak for about a month, we both knew that our friendship would still stay strong.

I told Jade about EVERYTHING that has happemed in the past month. "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??!!" Jade screams in excitement. "Yeah it's a LOT, I know. I all just so confusing, because how can you say that you're not gay, then the next thing I know, is that you're getting jealous of me being with Noelle?" I asked go the frustrated and confused. "But isn't he the one you want?" She asks. "I do still want him, but unfortunately, his words hit very close to home, you know? Like with my father?" I say softly. "I know, but what if he genuinely didn't mean it?" She asks. "Even if he didn't, the damage has been done, unfortunately I can't pick up the tears he made me waste that night." I say slightly disappointed. "Ncaww come here." She says as she smiles sympathetically, as she give me a comforting hug. I'm so thankful for her.

The flight was booked for 6am on the 27th of November, why my mother decided to get rid of us so fast, is still a mystery. Everyone slept in my room, since I had some air mattresses. I couldn't sleep, I don't know if it's because of the excitement of the trip, or the anxiety that comes with it. I decided to go downstairs and make me a cup of milk and cinnamon.

I made my way out of my room carefully, trying not to wake anyone up. I closed the door behind me and made my way downstairs. I poured my milk into my favourite mug and put it in the microwave. I was scrolling on tiktok while waiting for the milk to warm up. I took the milk out of the microwave and suddenly felt arms go around my waist. I panicked and threw the boiling milk onto the culprits arm. I turned around to see none other than Drei, mufflling hus cries, trying not to wake anyone up, but the pain evident in his now teary eyes.

"Oh Shit, sorry." I say frantically. "Why would you do that?" He says groaning in pain. "It's self defence, and it's clearly effective." I say in defence. I make my way to the bathroom to get the first aid kit. I make my way back to the kitchen an of find him sitting on the counter. "Give me your arm" I say as I walk over to him. He gives it to me. "Can you maybe get off the counter, I can't work properly like this." I say. "No it's cold, it helps with the pain." He says. "Ok then how am I supposed to get the inner part of your arm without hurting you?" I ask. "Stand in between my legs" he says grinning. "Ummm No, just get down please." I say pleadingly. I'm suddenly pulled in between his legs. 'What the actual Fuck' I think to myself. I reluctantly continue, but the proximity was just getting too much for me. I didn't mess up though.

I started wrapping up the wound. I look up as I see him staring at me. "Hopefully you learnt your lesson?" I say looking back down. "And what would that be?" He asks curiously. "Don't sneak up on me again. Who knows next time you may not be so lucky?" I say jokingly. "Anything to get your attention." He says softly. I finish wrapping the bandage, and look up at him. Our eyes stare into one another, the lust and desire was evident in both our eyes.

We stayed like that for a few minutes before I turned to leave. He grabbed me by my waist, trying to stop me."Sky please" he says with a pleading face. I avoid looking at him, my eyes are stuck to the ground. "I'm really sorry, for everything. Please just give me a chance." He asks pleadingly.  Silence filled the room, as I refused to speak or look at him in his eyes. I feel his hand on my chin, as he gently makes me look at him. I hesitantly look at him. " I can't, I'm just not ready." I say, knowing that I'm lying to myself. I've wanted this moment for so long; but I just couldn't, he hurt me, he made me cry, which is something not many people get right; not even my father anymore.

As I try to break free from his grasp, he turns my head once again. He gently places his lips on mine. I don't know what to to do, I want to pull away but it's like my body functions shut down, and the only thing I could do.... was kiss back. The Kiss was gentle but passionate. We both wanted this; but I knew that I couldn't have this. And as soon as I realised, I pushed him away. "I'm sorry." I say,  before boiling another cup of milk. Drei just sat there, staring at me. He eventually went back up to the room.

I stood there lost in my thoughts, because of what just happened. What is this guy doing to me? I already forgave him, but I didn't forget. Yet the time we kissed, I forgot all about everything. He made me feel like I'm floating. But I couldn't, I have a hard time forgetting people's words, and until I forget, I couldn't have him. My mind is telling me to forget about him, while my heart is telling me to forget about what he did, and some people don't understand that, that is the hardest battle you will face in your life, the one between your heart... And your mind.

I think that Drei has put some sort of compulsion spell on me, because how is it that even after all the horrible things he said, I still wanted him to be mine. I'm fighting wars within myself,  and at this point I don't know which side I'm on, it feels as if everything feels right, but wrong at the same time, if that makes sense?