delicate

47

I stared at the ceiling. The feeling of Kai's mouth on my neck wasn't helping to distract me from my thoughts. I felt his hand move from my side to the bed. He lifted his head and moved to look down at me as he sighed. He searched my face for the answer to a question he hadn't asked yet.

"Why'd you stop?"

He cocked his head, "You're not enjoying it."

"Mhm." I moved my hand to the side of his face. "I am. I promise."

"You seem distracted."

I shook my head once. "No."

He stared at me for a second before moving to lay next to me. I moved my hands to my stomach, sighing. For the first time in a long time, it felt awkward between us. The sudden guilt that filled me led to sadness and self-loathing.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out quietly.

"Why?" His interest in talking seemed far away.

A lump caught in my throat. I sat up. I moved to face him. I looked at him as he kept staring at the ceiling. "You're mad at me."

He shook his head once. "I'm not mad at you." He crossed his arms over his face. "I'm..." He sighed, "Fuck, I don't know."

I looked down at my hands in my lap. I could feel the tension radiating off his body. We haven't had sex in a week. I'd be lying if I said I want to, and I'd betray myself if I did it just for him. With the funeral tomorrow it feels wrong to think about anything except Jo and everyone else. I felt him sit up. He grabbed my hands and I looked up at him.

"I'm not mad at you, baby. I know you're dealing with... everything, but I just wish you would give me something to work with. Tell me what you're thinking, or tell me what you feel."

I stared at him, not knowing what to say. I want to tell him everything, but everything feels off. Nothing feels the same with him. We can't talk to each other. He's lying to me and I can't talk to him. Ignoring it is killing me, but it's the only thing I feel like I can do.

I leaned closer, pressing my lips to his. I kissed him slowly. I pulled my hands from his, reaching for his face. He groaned, his hands finding my waist. I kissed him harder as I moved to straddle his lap. His needy hands roamed my body, not leaving an inch untouched.

I pushed his pants lower, freeing his hard cock. He moaned into the kiss, his fingers digging into my hips. I groaned. I pulled the shirt I was wearing higher, holding it with one hand. I used my other hand to guide him into me.

I moaned in pain as I sunk down on him. I stopped when just an inch of him was inside of me, feeling more pain than usual. He pulled me lower, making me scream. He moved a hand to the back of my head. He slid his hand up my back, grabbing my shoulder.

He slammed into me as he laid me back, making me gasp. I could feel tears in my eyes. His hand fisted my hair, pulling it. His fingers dug into my skin, leaving bruises. His mouth hung open as mine did. His breath mixed with mine, his pleasure at the cost of my pain. I kept my hands at the sides of his face.

I took a breath to keep myself from crying. I reminded myself that just because I don't want it, it doesn't mean I shouldn't do it. This is for him. I love him and he wants this. As wrong as it feels, I need to do this for him.

"You're so tight." He groaned as he rested his head against mine.

I moaned. A few seconds later, he started thrusting in and out of me harshly. I held my breath for a few seconds, willing the tears in my eyes to go away. I arched into him as I slid my hands to his shoulders.

"Kai..." I couldn't get the words in my mouth to come out. I want him to stop, I want to stop. I dug my nails into his skin as I whimpered, "Stop."

His grip on my hair tightened. He started going faster, setting my nerves on fire. I moaned as he bottomed out inside me. He buried his face in my neck, moaning as he came inside me. I sucked in air as I tried to stop myself from crying. I closed my eyes for a minute, trying to think of anything other than him inside me and how much I didn't want him to be.