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"Jude's finally asleep."
Carl plops onto his bed beside me, and I look over at him. Rick and Michonne had just left to go to the Hilltop, and me and Carl were left in charge of the kids.
"Daisy's out like a light."
Carl sighs, turning over to look at me.
"So what do you wanna do?"
Carl asks me. I know what he wants to do. We had talked about it a few times. Carl wants to know what sex is like, and I do too. But we're not ready for that, atleast not in my opinion. We're only 15, we have years ahead of us.
"I dont care."
I say, laying back on the bed.
"Can I kiss you?"
He whispers, and I sit up. He's facing me, sitting on the bed. Maybe making out could be fun, no sex, just kissing.
"Yeah, always."
I say, smiling at him. He leans foward, kissing me slowly. I kiss back, bringing my fingers up to his chest. Carl was usually shirtless around the house, and every now and then I would sneak a peek. He's skinny, and he has nice abs. He's pale, and covered in freckles and scars. I push Carl back slightly, and straddle his lap like I did the other day. I know that Im pretty much sitting on his dick, but I dont think he minds. I pull away, and look at his eye.
"Carl I dont want to have sex with you."
I blurt out, and examine his expression. He looks slightly taken aback, but then he smiles.
"Well damn, you could've let me down a bit easier."
I realize how it sounded when it came out, and I shake my head.
"No, no- I didnt mean it like that, Im sorry."
I giggle, and he grins at me.
"I know Nell."
"I mean I want to, I guess, but I dont think Im ready..Im just scared, y'know?"
I mumble. I felt weird, like I didnt wanna be doing this anymore. It felt wrong. His dad didnt approve of this, and Michonne certainly wouldnt want me doing this.
"Carl this feels wrong."
I whisper, my demeanor changing to one of fear and uncomfortableness. Carl pulls away, his face apologizing before his words.
"Im sorry..We can stop."
He mumbles. I climb off of his lap, feeling awkward and oddly sad. What's wrong with me?
"No, Im sorry..I dont know why I feel like this.."
I whisper, sitting beside him on the bed.
"I think I know why."
He says, scooting back so we're both leaning on the headboard. I tilt my head at him, begging him to go on with my eyes.
"Because you've always been touched by people you dont trust, so when someone you do trust touches you, it feels wrong because you feel good."
At first I feel offended by his words, but they sink in and I know they're true.
"Whatever."
I feel annoyed with him. I dont want him near me. It seems like all he wants is to kiss, and touch. I just wanna be his best friend that he makes fun of and reads comics with again. (help she's being so delusional rn)
"Why do you only care about kissing? Is that all you see me as now? Someone you can eventually get a quick fuck out of, huh?"
I ask, my tone more annoyed than usual. (someone's on their period...{this is a joke}) Carl remains patient, something I've always admired is his patience.
"Nell you know that's not true. I just like kissing you because it shows you how I feel without me having to explain it. How about this, I wont kiss you until you ask me to. Does that make you feel better?"
He always knows what to say, it's annoying. Sometimes I wanna be mad at him but I just cant, because he's so perfect.
"Fine."
I mumble, crossing my arms over my chest. He smiles down at me, reaching onto his nightstand. He grabs my favorite comic that just so happens to be on his nightstand, and he hands it to me. How can he read my mind?
"Sorry."
I whisper, flipping through the pages of the book. I feel guilty for getting mad at him, he was right, I knew I was wrong. But lately I've just been angry all the time.
"I forgive you."
He mumbles back, reading the comic over my shoulder. I dont know why I get so mood swingy. One second Im fine, the next Im mad, and the next Im sad. I dont get it.
"Why are you always so forgiving and nice, even when I get mad at you?"
I ask him, looking up at him. I close the book, turning my full attention to Carl.
"Because..You've always been here for me when Im upset, why would I get mad when you're going through stuff?"
He says, smiling at me. I nod my head, his answer is valid. A couple minutes go by of us reading, until I look over at him.
"Alright well, Im gonna go to bed."
I run my fingers through my hair as I speak, and he looks at me slightly confused.
"You arent staying with me?"
He seems disappointed.
"I dont want Daisy to sleep alone."
I mumble, the excuse better than I planned.
"Oh, alright. Goodnight Nell."
"Night Carl."
I walk out of his room, and into my room. I dont know why, but I want away from Carl. He's so perfect, and I cant say the right thing ever.
