When Love Stays Forever (Book 3 of WL Trilogy) (ML, #3)

Kabanata 37

Kabanata 37

Kung tayo

"Gutom na gutom ako. Hindi ko alam kung saan tayo," natatawang sabi ni Benj. Tinignan ko siya saglit at ngunit hindi ko kayang tumbasan 'yong nararamdaman niya. Binabaling ko na lang ang tingin ko sa daan. Siguro may kalahating oras pa kami bago makarating sa mall. At nauubos ang oras ko dahil hindi masabi 'yong gusto ko.

Ang hirap.

Sobra.

Pero kailangan kong gawin.

"Old Spaghetti House or Army Navy? Hindi ako makapili. Parehas na lang kaya tayo doon?" He asked and grinned.

Tumingin muli ako sa kanya. Iba 'yong aura niya na parang mahirap baliin. Na iba 'yong saya. Pero deep inside, hindi ko alam kung anong mayroon. Kung anong nararamdaman niya. Fake it until you make it? Ganon ba 'yon?

I fake a smile and answered, "Kahit saan."

"Oh," He reacted. Aalisin ko na sana ang tingin ko sa kanya nang bigla siyang nagsalita muli. "Why don't we try the two resto?" He beamed at me again. My heart aches. So much pain. Mamaya iba na 'yan. But I don't want that. I want it to be okay, you know. Iyong maayos lang na alam kong may patutunguhan. "Baka naman hindi na tayo makakain nito kinabukasan." His laughs makes my heart cry on pain.

Ngunit ginantihan ko siya muli ng ngiti. Benj was about to speak but I called his name. "Benj..." Napakagat ako ng labi. And smiled a little, trying to fake every emotions I have right now. I breathe. And breathe until my breathing comes normal.

"Why?" tanong nito ngunit nagsalita muli. "Pagkatapos nating kumain punta tayo park. Maglakad-lakad. Tamang-tama dahil wala ng araw pagkatapos non. Mas masarap maglakad ng madilim na," he said wiggling his brows.

Ngunit hindi ko nakuhang mag-react sa sinabi niya. He's not paying attention at the tone of my voice.

"Benj..." I called him again.

"'Di ba? I brought my DSLR. Nasa likod lang yata 'yon," aniya.

Huminto ang kotse panandali dahil red light at sakto namang tumingin si Benj sa likod. Hinanap niya siguro 'yong camera and when he found it, he declared it. "Dala ko nga," anito. Pinakita pa niya sa akin ngunit hindi ako nagbigay ng komento.

I stared at him. Umiling ako. "Benj, stop it."

Ngunit pinaandar na ni Benj 'yong kotse hindi pinansin ang sinabi ko. Right, he's not paying attention. Alam kong nararamdaman niya na iba ang pagkilos ko ngayon at sobra kong tahimik.

"We're both...messed up." I said and my voice broke. My lungs ache for oxygen after saying those words. I'm sorry. I am messed. I fucked up this time again. I have my decision again. But I want you to agree on my decision. "Nahihirapan ka na." Napakagat ako ng labi. Saktong huminto ang kotse sa isang tabi. But Benj doesn't look at me. Nakatitig lang siya ng diretso sa daan. I heard him breathe. His breathing is unsteady. It is hard to look at him with that condition. Trying himself to calm. His jaw is clenched. I tried to reach him but I didn't. "A-ako rin." My voice failed me. I choked this time. "Alam mo kung anong prinsipyo. Mula sa umpisa alam ko kung sino uunahin ko. We're both need to fix things. Your Mom needs you, right? I know it. Tama na..." I shook my head. "And If I were on your position, uunahin ko ang Mom ko. Kailangan ka niya. Siguro mas mabuting ayusin mo natin 'yong problema natin." I gulp. I am wishing him to look at me right now. But he didn't.

"You're letting me go...again?"

I am lost in words.

Tumingin si Benj sa akin. My tears fell on my cheeks. Hindi ko makuhang punasan ito habang tinitignan siya. Umiling ako. Pagkatapos tumango sa kanya, when my lips failed me to say the right words.

"Do you love me?" He asked, looking at me directly in my eyes. Benj is near to tears. Pero 'yong aking patuloy lang sa pag-agos.

"I do. Always. Always, Benj."

"Is that not enough?" tanong niya muli. Tumulo na sa kanang mata niya 'yong luhang kanina pa niya pinipigilan. Benj looked away immediately. He laughed, croakily...hiding pain inside him. I'm sorry.

"You're always enough for everything, Benj. Ayoko lang pumili ka. Binibigay ko lang 'yong gusto ng mom mo. If she wants you...and I am giving you to her. Kung iyon ang makakabuti sa 'tin. If this means of letting you go? I don't know." Umiling ako. Kinuha ko ang kamay niya. "For me...this is not letting my love go. This is for letting my love free on choosing things. I'm sorry for being selfish this time, Benjamin. I'm sorry if I want this to happen. Babalik naman tayo kapag maayos na...kapag okay na ang lahat. Kung pwede...kung tayo..." Binitawan ko ang kamay niya. Tumitig sa kanya. "Kung tayo. And I will always be tireless waiting on that day, Benj." I smiled painfully. Tinignan ko ang bawat parte ng mukha niya. Paano pumikit iyong mata niya. Paano kumunot ang noo niya. How he easily smile on things. How his brows are perfectly beautiful. How his hair look so good kahit na sinuklay niya lang ng kamay niya. Everything about him.

I am hoping for that day to come.

Pinunasan ko ang luha ko. I tried to smile but I kept on shaking my head. Ilang beses kong kinagat-kagat ang pang-ibabang labi ko para lang mapigilan ang hikbi ko. I hope these tears come to end. Please, let it be.

"I'm sorry," ani ko. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I looked away but I felt hand on both on my cheeks. Benj cupped my face like he's trying to remember everything about...us. "I'm sorry." I look at him this time. Even if it's going to hurt me, million times and crashed me into pieces. I'm going to ache for him this time...crave for his presence after this. But this is the right thing to do.

Kung pwede...kung tayo.

Because I wanted everything to be fine. Para wala ng mangyari pa na magdudulot sa amin ng kalungkutan. If this temporary leave make everything's fine, I'll do it. Kahit walang kasigaraduhan. I'm going to take this risk.

"I hope fo—" Napatigil akong magsalita nang biglang ilapit ni Benj ang mukha niya sa akin ngunit huminto siya. His lips are just inches on mine. I felt his breath on my lips. I crave for his kiss.

Napapapikit siya ng mariin. "If this what you want, I'm letting you to do this." His breath is wobbly. When I saw his lips tremble, my heart twinges again. Naramdaman ko ang pagnginig ng kamay niya sa pisngi ko. "And I'm sorry if I can't fix things by myself, darling. I'm sorry. For all the pain. For everything I failed to do to make everything's perfect...to make things easier. I'm sorry." I saw his tears roll on his face. I want to reach him. But my hands failed to do so. I want to kiss his eyes to stop him from crying. "Just promise me one thing, Scar." I nodded, twice. "Don't fall for anyone else...don't fall for anyone who can't love you tirelessly like the way I am doing right now. Don't fall for any guy. Just fall for me..." Nanginig ang labi ko at bumuhos na naman ang luha ko. Umiling ako sa kanya. "Sa akin lang. And this time please be selfish with your feelings for me, darling. Kasi ako, hindi ko papakawalan iyon." I nodded again.

I look at every inch of his face. Trying to memorize everything again. "Oo." The word I said. And I felt Benj's lips on my forehead. Madiin at matagal. "Mag-iingat ka palagi." I added.

I closed my eyes and I heard Benj's voice for the last time. "I will."