new years day (a tayvis fanfiction)

why not us?

taylor swift's pov

      i woke up to what i assumed was my period. i went to the bathroom and just as i had assumed, my period had arrived, right on time. the negative pregnancy tests mocked me in the trashcan. i have had zero motivation to do anything recently.

     sex feels more like a chore instead of love. it's not travis. i love him, but i feel like we're doing something wrong. my stomach feels so empty. i trace the stretch marks on my belly which are a beautiful reminder of the life we brought into the world just over a year ago.

     my stomach which feels like it should be occupied by a little life, is vacant. this is really taking a toll on my mental health.

    i sat on the toilet and quietly sobbed. clearly not quiet enough because i soon heard a faint knock at the door. "taylor?" travis whispered from the other side. i quickly wiped to tears. "come in." i said, the words barely coming escaping my mouth.

    the door slowly creaked open. "are you okay?" he looked really worried. "i'm fine. i'm sorry i woke you up. just go back to sleep i'll be back soon." i shooed him away and he kissed my forehead before exiting.

    i eventually stopped crying and made my way back to bed. but of course as soon as i laid down, gracelyn started crying. i had no energy to go calm her down but i couldn't just let her cry. so i dragged myself across the hallway with the only motivation i had left.

    "shhh, you're going to wake daddy up." i picked her up and patted her back. thankfully she quickly fell back asleep.
 
     i made my way back to our bedroom and slowly got into bed trying not to wake travis. i tried for atleast an hour to fall asleep but my cramps started to kick in.

    i didn't even realize but i was rocking back and forth and whining in pain. they had never been this bad before. "baby? are you okay?" travis's eyes fluttered open.

    he noticed i was holding my abdomen and placed his hands on mine. "cramps?" he asked. "yes.." i whined. he got out of bed and turned the hallway light on.

     he returned with some medicine and my heating pad. he helped me set everything up. "did i ever tell you how much i love you." i wrapped my arms around his large body and pulled him into bed. he pulled me closer to him and stayed that way the whole night.

the next morning i called in for an appointment with my obgyn. i'm going alone because travis needs to stay home with gracie and to be honest im kind of embarrassed.

"taylor?" a sweet nurse called my name and showed me my room. i had been here many times before but i've never seen this woman before, she must be new. she looks young.

she took my vitals and i briefly explained what my appointment was for. the chair that i once sat in to get my first ultrasound. i felt a wave of sadness come over me in that moment. if only i could feel that happiness of a positive pregnancy test again. i mean, i wasn't thrilled at the beginning, but i learned to love being pregnant.

    i looked around at the fluorescent lights and felt like my life was meaningless. this place where we used to go and giggle and smile at the photos of our soon to be little girl, now feels so... sad.

   "hey taylor!" my usual doctor comes in, trying to fill the room with joy. a slight smile finds its way to my lips. "hi.." i reply, trying to return the joy, but i just don't have it in me.

    after running some tests, i find the courage to ask a big question. i twiddle the gold beaded bracelet in between my fingers and mutter something quietly. "what was that?" she looks up from her computer. "i just have a question. how long does postpartum depression usually last?" i ask and look down at the bracelet again.

    "it usually lasts a few months. why?" she returns to typing something. "i didn't feel it at first. but now, i feel so alone. every time i look at gracelyn im on the verge of tears." i admit to her. it felt good to finally get this off my chest. i could've gone to kylie or blake as they've probably experienced the same thing, it just doesn't feel right with people in my personal life knowing about these things.

     the doctor explained to me that this is perfectly normal. she said i just need to embrace gracelyn getting older instead of dreading the future. it's going to be hard, but i know it's the right thing for me and everyone around me.

     my friends have been hanging out with me less over these past few months. everyone has noticed how depressed i've become. i think travis noticed too, but he just wont say anything because he knows i'll get upset. not at him, at myself for letting him realize.

———————
    i arrived home to a complete mess. "hey baby. could you help me real quick?" he hands the baby over to me. of course she was wailing over god knows what. in that moment i wanted to break down and cry, but i held it together. "what the fuck happened in here?" i ask as i sit down on the couch.

    "well i had jason and the girls over because we needed to record the podcast. we thought they would be okay alone for ten minutes but clearly not." he sighed and picked up some toys.

   "what did you think was going to happen?" i forced a laugh. gracie continued to sob into my chest. "who's ready for a nap? gracie and mommy!" i said sarcastically.

     travis looked at me and pouted with a handful of toys. "your mess, you clean it." i smiled and closed the bedroom door behind me.

authors note:

sorry sad-ish chapter. i hate writing sad stuff but i can't just let them be happy right? i have to be a little evil sorry