new years day (a tayvis fanfiction)

you were bigger than the whole sky

around 6 months later

taylor swift's pov

     the crowd roars as i come out on stage for the midnights set. i look over to the vip tent where i see travis with gracie in his arms. i can't help but start smiling and my fans cheer.

    being six months pregnant and performing for three and a half hours isn't easy though. i've had to get all of my outfits altered because hardly anything fits me anymore.

    when the concert was done i immediately needed to sit down. i was so exhausted. usually i'd meet travis backstage but i waited for him to come to me because i was so tired. "mama!" my almost two year old ran over to me.

     "come here sweet girl!" i sat her on my lap and attacked her with kisses. travis came soon after gracie ran in front of him. "you were amazing tonight, just like always." he came up behind me and placed a kiss on the top of my head.

     "i'm sweaty and disgusting you don't have to kiss me." i sighed and took a sip of water. he took that as kiss me even more.

     "gracie why do you show mommy what you learned?" he helped her off my lap and whispered something to her. her face broke into a huge smile.

     "be.. be.. jewel!" she giggled and did the hand gesture i do while performing. her blonde curls bounced up and down. "good job!" i reached my arms out for a hug.

     on our way back to the hotel i got a sudden cramp in my stomach. "fuck! ow!" i yelled and gripped on to the door handle. i continued to moan in pain while holding my stomach.

     "tay what's going on?" he pulled the car over and got out. gracie started to cry in the backseat in fear. "you don't think you're in labor right?" he rubbed my back trying to ease my pain.

     "i don't know.." i looked down to see a small red stain in our white car seats. tears started to well in my eyes as i realized what might be happening. a choked sob escaped my mouth. "no." i managed to get a word out. travis sprinted back to the drivers seat and speeded off to the hospital.

     he called my mom on the way so she could meet us there and take gracie. "mama?" she whimpered. "sweet girl you're going to go see mimi." i reached a hand to the backseat, her tiny fingers wrapped around mine.

    we said our goodbyes to our daughter and she cried as she got buckled into my mother's car. i hated leaving her but i knew it was for the best.

     they quickly put us back in a room and i explained what was going on. my panic had faded and the depression set in as i knew the probable outcome of this situation. the doctors did an ultrasound and a pelvic exam.

      "we can't find a heartbeat." the words pierced my chest like a knife. tears streamed down my face. i felt so defeated. we tried for so long to get to this point just to be shut down. travis took my hand and squeezed it three times as a symbol of love. i wasn't strong enough to do it back. i also couldn't feel love for anyone in that moment.

     i took a nap to try and calm myself down but when i woke up it was time to remove the baby. they first cut an incision into my stomach, i winced at the pain but eventually i was okay because i could barely feel anything. physically or emotionally.

    "here is your baby girl." they handed me the still, lifeless child. she wasn't completely developed but she was enough that you could tell her gender. they laid her on my chest and i just cried. the quiet room that should be filled with a fussy baby, is still silent.

     i could no longer take the pain of holding her so i handed her off to the doctor. they took her away to another room. in that moment, i felt like nothing was worth it. i looked to travis, his tear stained face. "i'm sorry." a sob escaped my mouth.

     "tay it's not your fault." he placed his hand on top of mine. "yes it is. i killed her." i brought a hand to cover my damp face. travis sat on the edge of the bed and tried to comfort me.

    they soon discharged us and we decided it would be best for gracie to stay with my parents for the night. when i facetimed her to say goodnight she asked, why mama sad? my heart broke but i didn't have the courage to tell her that her baby sister is dead.

     we arrived home and i went straight for my bed. for around an hour i just cried and cried into my pillow. everything was my fault. i did something wrong. travis tried to come in multiple times but i just shut him out. i didn't want to talk to anyone, even the man who i love most.

authors note:

IM SORRY.