Make Me.

Book 4 - Chapter 25

Ellie "slept" in Fred's bed that night. Marshall decided to curl up in a ball and sleep between them, soaking up their warmth (which radiated mostly from Fred). As much as she probably could have used the sleep, and as much as a comfort Fred was to her, Ellie couldn't seem to keep her eyes shut that evening.

There were a lot of wandering voices pulsing loud then quiet, loud then quiet, in her head. Everyone in the castle was so excited for Halloween, that apparently nobody could sleep - and Ellie was paying for it.

As she laid in bed, Ellie tried remembering all the advice Snape had given her over the past two months. She stared up at Fred's bed hangings and emptied her mind of all emotion, of all feeling, of all true memories - and she tried just existing, in that very moment, plain and flat and cold.

It was hard to do with Fred snoring lightly next to her. She felt guilty.

Out of every person in the castle, Fred was the one who took up most of her mind's capacity. It felt wrong blocking him out. She felt like she was disrespecting him for clearing her head of the love and admiration she felt for him. But she had to do it.

Snape had told her time and time again that letting people into her head would allow them to take what they find and use it against her. The stronger the feeling attached to the thing they took, the more terrible punishments they'd be able to do with it.

Ellie sat up in bed, Marshall's neck slinking off her stomach and down next to Fred. She looked upon him lightly, a frown on her face. Why did love have to be such a strong emotion?

Ellie felt sick at the thought that someone could possibly see Fred as something to use against her. It was not for her sake, it was for his. She would have never been able to forgive herself for letting something happen to him, especially if it was her fault.

She couldn't think of a way that it would ever be possible for her to be able to lock away her love for Fred. He always made her happy, light, and he made her forget about all of her problems. That was the opposite feeling to the numb one Snape wanted her to walk around with at all times. If Ellie walked around like that, Fred would surely notice, he'd worry, he'd try to fix her; Ellie didn't want him to worry about her so much - to always be trying to fix her either. She didn't want to be a burden.

Ellie was stuck in between a rock and a hard place.

Either - she blocked Fred out, turned cold on him in her head, and carried around that numb feeling and burden him with it - or - she let him be her weakness, and let him suffer for loving her, for her loving him.

Ellie swung her legs over the side of the bed and moved across the room to the window. She opened it and crawled onto the ledge, leaving Fred behind to sleep peacefully without her tossing and turning next to him. And Ellie spent all night debating with herself and wondering if Professor Snape had a similar debacle locked away behind the steel trap that was his mind.

Ellie was showered and dressed by the time the sun rose the next morning. And it seemed she wasn't the only one. As she walked out of the bathroom connected to her dormitory, Daphne and Pansy were waking up and getting dressed, rising much earlier than they usually did on weekends.

"Happy Birthday, blooksucker," Pansy yawned. "Thought you were with Weasley. . ."

"I was," Ellie said blankly. "Couldn't sleep."

"Uh. . ." was all Pansy replied, looking at Ellie with a considering look. They both knew what she was thinking. Ellie was never not able to sleep if Fred was laid next to her. But, Ellie didn't want to talk about it and just nodded at Pansy to tell her just that.