Y/N—
I've always been in control. In my mind, the trajectory my life takes is all up to me, and throughout my life there was nothing I couldn't get if I put my mind to it. "You're so lucky to have good grades. You should be glad your parents have connections and money. You're lucky you are just naturally pretty." It wasn't luck, manifestation, or whatever many would use as an excuse for my success throughout life. I held myself to high standards, a result of growing up in a strict household as the oldest sibling in a home with many expectations and responsibilities. Perfection was the minimum, anything less than would result in being shunned. Constantly comparing myself to my siblings was a consequence.
That was how I grew to be so confident. My most memorable childhood experiences were me crying because my brother managed to place into the same math class as me, despite being two years younger. My sister constantly was complimented for her figure while I was told to lose weight because I used to be a chubby kid. You'd be surprised as to how many grown adults that should mind their own fucking business, just don't. Hitting rock bottom, feeling worthless everyday yet having to pretend I was okay, on top of never receiving any sort of love from those around me and my parents, led to my extreme perfectionism when it came to myself.
The way others perceived me and the way I perceived myself was the only thing I've ever cared about.
Was it narcissism? Sometimes I wondered, with the amount that I only cared about myself sometimes. Truly though, I just never wanted to feel how I used to. I wanted to be in control of every aspect of my life in order to spare the hurt that I'd receive the moment I let my walls down. My confidence came from the fact that I was born rock-bottom and all the pain I've felt has only made me stronger and placed me at a higher advantage than those who had it easy.
In short, no, it wasn't luck. I was born with anything but luck. I worked hard, and that was simply it. I worked and worked and worked until I got everything I wanted, despite sometimes wanting to give up, despite constantly wondering 'why do I have to live like this?' but I have just learned that my suffering now will only bring me more success later.
This mindset carried me throughout my years as a trainee. It was a breeze, and I always knew I was going to debut, as long as I worked so that I was better than everyone else. Throughout my trainee years I learned so much, gained so many friends, and it was the happiest time of my life, despite many peoples experiences being the opposite.
But when I debuted, the perfect life I once knew and worked for began to fall apart at my fingertips, the reigns I once controlled smoothly slipping away. I think from then on, I began to slowly sink, drowning painfully.
YOU ARE READING
UNDER PRESSURE || HUENING KAI
FanfictionThe moment you submerge underneath the surface, many people can't see you drown. In order to save you, someone has to join you there. We were swept away by young love, but it didn't last long. When we met again, everything was different.
