UNDER PRESSURE || HUENING KAI

04. The Arcade

HUENING KAI—

When I was with Y/N, I felt like I was in a whole different reality. A reality where I wasn't constantly exhausted from practice, one where I wasn't sad because I couldn't dance as the others, or where I didn't think I would ever debut. When I was with her, a lot of my worries slipped out of my mind—that was just the impact she made on those around her. She was a breath of fresh air, a chance for me to pause after running for so long. I found myself thinking about her constantly, wondering what she was doing or yearning for her company when I wasn't with her.

Needless to say, I had developed a crush on her. Of course, teenage boy me probably starting crushing the moment I saw her pretty face, but it grew deeper than that as I got to know her.

I tried to not think about it. Sometimes I accidentally did, when I got too distracted watching her ramble about something she liked, or when she was about to laugh and her eyes would crinkle up—it was hard to hide my feelings then, and I hope she didn't notice my sudden embarrassment. Other times, I just tried to focus on our time together, our conversations, and doing my best to show her my real side.

I remember the first night I opened up to her about why I felt so down all the time. We hung out on the rooftop of our dorm together one evening, and she asked me about it. I told her everything, from how homesick I was, to how other trainees and instructors treated me differently because I wasn't fully Korean, to how I could never seem to dance or sing good enough. I told her that I was sometimes so exhausted that I'd feel like passing out randomly. How I thought that I'd never be able to debut and wasn't even sure if this was the path for me and if I was just wasting my time and energy here.

I cried while telling her, and that was the first time she held my hand as I couldn't stop shaking. Her face was grim as I told her my constant struggle with anxiety, and my constant panic attacks. That night, we spent a lot of time talking, not only about me but her as well. I learned about her past, and how she grew up constantly under pressure, and why it affected her to this day. I learned that she was also constantly anxious being a trainee, always feeling like her candidacy to debut would be taken from her in an instant. I learned that she spent most, if not all of her time only practicing, and never did anything else if she had free time. Her grit, persistence, and strength were so admirable.

Things were a lot better after that night, for me. It was the first time I'd ever spoken to someone about my struggles—I never wanted to bother my parents or siblings, and my roommates and other trainees I knew were probably dealing with the same thing. I was stuck with my own thoughts and doubts constantly, and being able to voice them to her lifted a great pressure off of my chest. I hoped that she felt she same way about her circumstances as well.

She became my best friend, and although we couldn't spend a lot of time together in the day, we always made good use of our time when we did. Most of the times we'd sit and catch up, but sometimes we'd go out to eat, go outside and walk around, or went shopping together. It was mostly Y/N that dragged me to do these things, but it was really fun.

One this certain day, there was something in mind that I'd been wanting to do for a long time—or go to, I suppose. I remember that morning I took extra care with my appearance, staring at my messy reflection for a while and changing my clothes about five times. I wore a hoodie, because that was what made me feel the most confident despite my roommate telling me I wore them too much. I styled my hair—by styled I mean just wet my hands and smoothed down my cowlicks with water—and then I gave her a call.

My heart was beating fast, it always did in anticipation before I spoke to her, but more on this day because I kept thinking in the back of my mind that this was kind of like I was asking her on a date or something.