UNDER PRESSURE || HUENING KAI

14. Hatred or Love

Y/N—

As I took off, trying to get as much distance between us as possible, my thoughts were all over the place like a hurricane—with Kai at the eye of it. My face felt like it was going to explode and you'd think I was about to have a heart attack with how fast my heart rate was. Luckily, no one protested when I was the first to leave the room, unable to get away from him fast enough.

I was also just so, so embarrassed. Kai was the last person that I wanted to see me that way, all helpless and shit. I saw how worried about he looked, which made me feel so guilty I could die. I didn't want him to think I was weak and unable to continue, because I truly was okay and passing out was normal for me. I often did it when I was just tired and lacking in sleep, my body shutting off. However when I woke up, I felt a lot more refreshed.

Although I was the one who made our instructor change my partner, I slightly regretted it after practice ended. The way I was feeling was much worse than being dropped. Kai was a wonderful partner, of course, and I trusted him a lot more than Soobin did. He was really gentle, kept checking up on me, and carried me around with ease. I was confident in him, however...

Kai's hands on my waist, random touches here and there, how close his face got—I couldn't take it. How could I focus like this? When the only thing I could see was his deep and entrancing eyes, reminding me of all those times we had nearly kissed? His smooth and flawless skin, his perfectly arched nose, his sharp jawline. His body. I felt sick with butterflies thinking about it all.

And those lips. Those goddamn lips. I was immediately drawn to them each time he got close. I couldn't help but imagine how they'd feel against mine. They looked really soft. That single thought made me want to explode. I wanted to scream, throw a tantrum, and slap myself for being so soft for him. It was so difficult not to recall all the amazing memories we had together in our adolescence. The strong feelings I had for him. The way I thought I'd be with him forever.

As I walked home, the only thing on my mind was him. I could never admit it out loud, but I knew some of those old feelings were somehow still there. If anything, my yearning for him was even stronger, knowing that I absolutely couldn't be with him. If he got bolder and bolder, started trying to break down my walls, I knew I would be unable to resist and fold so fast. I needed to be the one to cut him off completely and establish our very much professional relationship, before things got out of hand.

When I got back to our apartment, I felt sick staring at the Rilakkuma plushie that was sitting on my bed. The one he won for me at the arcade, all those years ago. I grabbed it and quickly shoved it under my bed, knowing recently I'd done that so many times. However, due to my attachment to it, it always managed to be back in my arms by the time I went to bed.

The next day, we were back at it again. Somehow, I'd gotten a good sleep last night and felt a lot more refreshed, despite only sleeping for 4 hours. Apparently, fainting was a good way to replenish energy, and was basically like taking a nap. I was at the recording studio for most of the morning, working with some of the producers on our songs in our new album. Today, the music felt especially nice in my ears—a rare occurance, because I often hated the music I was making and never listened to them on my own time. But today, I listened to them during my lunch, while I worked, and as I practiced dance.

The day went by quickly, and then we had dance practice again at night. I was pretty worn out by then, having a busy day as per usual, but I was feeling okay. If anything, I was looking forward to practice and going over the routine again with our song. When my last commitment ended I rushed over, just a couple of minutes late while everyone was stretching. Immediately I pinpointed where Kai was, and could feel his eyes on me. I ignored him, getting ready.