UNDER PRESSURE || HUENING KAI

30. Forgive or Forget

Y/N—

When I returned to Seoul, hell welcomed me at Hybe. I knew I should've spent those three days working, instead of fooling around, and now it was coming back to bite me in the ass. I knew I couldn't even let myself enjoy a trip without returning to my work life which would now be ten times more busy. For these past few weeks, I hadn't slept, barely ate, and was so overwhelmed by everything the company needed me to do. I realized then that I was an idiot to think I could ever actually catch a break.

Why was it like this? Why me? Why did I have to juggle composing, writing, and producing songs while those producers I worked with did jack shit? Why did I have to go on variety shows by myself and not my members, who had less busy schedules? Why was I taking extra vocal lessons and having to push to sing notes that were damaging my vocal cords? Why did I have to do everything, just so that I could maintain this impossible standard that Hybe had for me? Why couldn't I just...quit?

Why couldn't I let myself be happy?

It was so conflicting, knowing I only had myself to blame for my own suffering. I took it out on others, myself, acted like the world was against me, when truly it was just myself that was my worst enemy. Why did I put up with this mistreatment, and chasing something I didn't even want?

If I couldn't even handle my own life, how could I let someone I cared about into it?

I hadn't expected Kai to blow up like that. I knew it was brewing, these complicated feelings between us, for the past couple of months. My strong feelings for him were constantly battling my own logic. That if I let him get close to me, I'd want more when it'd never work out just as long as I was an idol. I didn't have time to maintain the same sort of relationship we had when we were younger—I mean, that was the reason why I cut him off in the first place.

I should've been better, taken better care of him. It was either I cut him off completely or let him in my life—this whole time I was going back and forth, confusing him. I would be frustrated and angry with me, too. He had always been a patient guy, and understanding. I knew that because he yelled at me that I actually screwed up big time.

He was right—I wanted him when he made me feel good, but never made the effort to return the favor. I liked entertaining him on my own accord—it made me feel just a bit in control amidst my life that was spiraling uncontrollably. I liked how he gave me attention, but I pushed him away when we got too close. I liked the impact I had on him, liked that I could be mean to him and he'd still come back. It was twisted. I knew I was a terrible person, finding satisfaction in playing with his feelings.

What had he done to deserve me to treat him like this, other than treat me with respect and kindness?

I couldn't believe that it went this far for me to finally realize how unfairly I've been treating him. He wasn't a toy, he wasn't somebody I could step all over and use to make me feel better about my pathetic self. He was Kai. He was the boy that was my first love. The man that inspired me to make music, to stay strong in this hellish journey. The one that was on my mind when I felt like I was falling apart.

Kai, who I cared about more than I'd like to admit.

And now, looking at him, I saw the two choices I had.

End everything between us—take this as the final straw and let him forever be angry at me.

Or, apologize and tell him how I'd truly been feeling.