UNDER PRESSURE || HUENING KAI

08. Empty

Y/N—

Shit shit shit. I lost my temper again.

As I left the dance studio a million thoughts were racing in my head. The main one being that Kai had just seen me like that, yelling and cussing angrily. It was not exactly the image I wanted my old crush to have of me.

It had been a long day of practices, and I was exhausted and moody. It wasn't often where got so angry like that, so angry where I couldn't see properly or breathe properly. I barely even saw Kai's face, and walking away I couldn't remember what expression he had.

Usually, I could take it. Our dance instructor was a creepy, condescending, misogynistic man. He'd just about made advances to every girl in our class, and those who denied them faced some sort of repercussions. For example, he didn't talk or look at me during evaluations, despite me standing out. Meanwhile, the girls that entertained his advances got higher scores and were awarded the top positions. It was sick, frustrating, and made me violently angry, on top of everything else I was so over with.

During this practice, he seemed especially annoyed with me, making rude remarks about my dancing, comparing me to the others—commenting on my body—that was when I lost it. I ended up kicking a chair over was storming out. Then he started yelling at me. And then I opened the door and saw Kai standing there.

After leaving the scene I had managed to calm down and cleared my head, but I regretted the way I handled things. It was just so hard for me to control my anger nowadays—I just hated everything, I hated being a trainee. I hated listening to my music, singing, and dancing. I no longer had passion for anything, and only felt used. I didn't have control over anything, and was a robot. Forced to act a certain way and look a certain way. Forced to sing songs that were out of my range. Forced to deal with shitty people like that dance instructor. All to become the perfect idol.

Being the oldest and the leader in my group also meant more responsibilities, more training, and a constant burden to be better for the sake of the team. I constantly wondered why I was chosen for this—I felt like I was the least capable of leading a group, and I often felt terrible and burdened when I saw my members struggle and I couldn't help them as their leader.

I'd reached a point where I felt so empty all the time. I was just practicing and practicing and practicing so I could be better like everyone said I needed to be. Because I was already solid with most things, I felt like everyone was ten times harder on me and held unrealistically high expectations for me as an idol.

That was also the main reason why I couldn't see Kai anymore. I couldn't let him see me this way, this empty shell of a person I once was. I knew he looked up to me and only really seen the good sides of me. This ugly state I was currently stuck in—I didn't want him to see it. I knew he would feel terrible if I told him how I was feeling and try to help me. But I was beyond helping, and didn't want him to waste his time and energy. I concluded that it was just better that I'd stay away from him as a whole, especially because I knew he was doing better.

However, seeing him for those few seconds brought back a lot of memories. I missed him and thought about him more than I'd like to admit. When I thought about giving up on becoming an idol, he often popped up in my mind as a reason why I should just quit. I'd be able to be with him, be there for him, and support his dreams. It sounded so nice.

But I came all this way, and I was so close. I couldn't just stop now.

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