UNDER PRESSURE || HUENING KAI

16. Someone Like Him

Y/N—

There wasn't a day that went past where I didn't think about why I was here, on this Earth. I wondered when life would be enough for me, when I'd be able to sit down and smile at the sky thinking about how beautiful it was. To be a human whose happiness was measured by her perception of it.

I couldn't even remember what my outlook on life even was before it all went downhill. How did I survive my trainee days? How was I so content back then? How did I have the energy and time of day to be kind and help others when now I can't even do that for myself?

I hated that Kai once knew that side of me, and I hated even more knowing I had let him down now at what I'd become. I just didn't get it—why he didn't turn his back immediately from disgust after seeing me now. I almost wished he did, because he was trying to build a bridge between us again and I knew I'd only disappoint him. I wasn't the cheerful, bubbly, and loving girl he once knew and liked, and I was scared he was hoping for her back and I wouldn't be able to give that to him.

After our last fight, I knew it was the end and that he'd be a fool to return to me again. I wished he didn't, I wished he was stronger than that and stood up for himself better. But I was wrong, because the next day after our practice ended he showed once again how weak he was. I couldn't look past his desperate expression and the painful look in his eyes—he was always so bad at hiding his emotions.

I was walking out of the studio when he had stopped me. In front of everyone, too. Both my members and his members were wearing expressions that I just wanted to slap off of their faces. But it looked like to Kai, it didn't matter because he had much more important things to tell me.

"Y/N."

I turned and looked at him, trying to not let my real feelings show. I was guilty, so guilty, for saying such unkind things to someone like him yesterday. He was the last person on this planet that deserved to be treated that way.

It was quiet for a bit, as he waited for the others to walk far enough so they couldn't hear us talk. "You don't want anything to do with me. I understand. But, at least, please, let's talk one last time and I won't ever bother you again. I promise, Y/N."

His face was so beautifully sad and painful, it was like it came straight out of a movie. Before I knew it, I nodded quietly.

"Do you want to go up to the rooftop?"

-

"I haven't been to here in a while. It's nice." Kai sighed, leaning against the edge and admiring Seoul's city night lights. I stood quietly next to him, admiring the scene as well. The city, from the buildings to the people walking around, looked so small from here.

I thought about the time where the two of us snuck up here at 3 A.M. in the morning for the first time as it was Hybe's new building. That night was exciting and hilarious, because we got caught by security and Kai didn't have his ID on him so the guard was close to calling the cops on us for trespassing. I managed to talk the security guard out of it, but it was hilarious how petrified Kai looked.

It hurt, thinking about it all. How four years ago, we went up here so often. Sometimes, during our breaks or after practice at night. We'd talk and talk and talk, holding hands and being sickeningly affectionate. This rooftop held a lot of wonderful memories, but tonight I wish I couldn't feel them here.

It was quiet for a bit, the both of us lost in our thoughts and staring off into the city. It was awkward, yet somehow comforting at the same time because I knew he was probably feeling equally as uncomfortable.